2012 - Love Month - Is Love Abuse?

enslaved to the energy created by judgment

Hi,

this weekend and the last one I didn’t meet with my girlfriend. Suddenly I felt that I stepped out of a personality suit. I stretched my shoulders that had been narrowed and some time later I realized that I had been enslaved to the energy that I would create from her judgement of me. Be it positive to generate a feeling of comfort, wealth, like a place in heaven lol, or negative where I would feel anxiety, thrill like in a horror movie, a place in hell so to speak lol.

This is an acceptance and allowance I have from a young age where I experienced the same when my mother would express her judgment as a way to try and educate me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the generation of energies by judgment
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have enslaved myself to the experience of these energies to feel connected
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship with my girlfriend based on these experiences

When and as I see myself participating in generating energies from judgment, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am creating an mind's reality, that I separate myself from the physical reality that is real.
When and as I see myself enslave myself to the experiences of these energies, I stop I breathe. I realize that I don't need these energies to have the experience of being connected
When and as I see myself creating a relationship with my girlfriend based on these experiences, I stop, Im breathe. I realize that if she has a judgement that's something for her to look into.

Cruelty and Happiness

Cruelty goes unnoticed in our society. We see nice boxes with nice products nicely advertised. Sold to us in nice shops by nice people and we are nice people as well. So where is the cruelty within this? You might ask. It goes unnoticed but it is everywhere. It is cleverly hidden. We can ignore it and that makes us feel good. We are in fact glad that the suffering is not ours and we want to keep it that way. And who ever mentions it is an activist. Normal people don’t do that. The deliberate ignorance of cruelty, which is cruel in itself, is the norm. We have to participate in this cruel deliberate ignorance, if we don’t we risk losing our job, our income, our life. Same goes for partner, family, friends. Our church, our club, our community. I have been cruel from a young age, where I would hit my younger sister ‘for fun’. Our parents didn’t stop it, obviously, because we cannot stop what we don’t see, and we don’t see what we ignore. Later on I would apply electricity to little worms, out of ‘scientific curiosity’, here we have a common way of hiding cruelty: science. I would also apply cruelty to pets and to other people, kicking them and hitting them. And lately I noticed in myself cruelty towards people that are poor, where I felt that I want to keep them poor and suffering to make sure that they aren’t able to take away my wealth. So my happiness of enjoying our wealth as participant in this wealthy society of The Netherlands of deliberate ignorance of animal testing, destruction of rain forests, pollution of oceans, atmosphere, ground water, animal extinction (genocide), wars for profit, poverty for profit, too much to name it all here, is the happiness of enjoying our common deliberate ignorance of cruelty, it’s the happiness of being cruel, of standing on the ‘good’ end of the polarity where I can laugh because others suffer.

Job training

Today I was at a meeting, an introduction to a training to find a job. I didn’t ask for it, i am obliged to do it and if I don’t some of my social grant will be taken away or even stopped completely, so I am at the meeting under a death threat.
In the days before I had been looking forward to meet new people and to see what it was all about. The effect was however that I felt that I let myself be more absorbed by ‘the matrix’, to the extend where I considered giving in to everything the matrix has to offer in terms of entertainment and experiences.
To night I had seen the efforts of the mind as myself to keep myself occupied and then I decided enough is enough. I stop, I breathe. I direct myself.

My son is Chinese

My son is Chinese
About one year before the conception, I was walking down the street and I looked into a emotion I had felt for some time, something was bothering me, making me feel not free to choose what I wanted to do in the near future. I saw it was a unknown Chinese person. I wondered if it was me in a past life, I didn’t figure it out. Within the months that followed, each time I had intercourse with my wife, I had visions of a Chinese interior, a Chinese bedroom, and I saw her and myself as Chinese persons. When my son was born, we went to see a clairvoyant, a lady that also applied homoeopathy, and she said: have a good look at your son: he’s Chinese. So I took this as a confirmation. And after this when I saw him asleep, I saw a Chinese aura around his head.

I started believing that he had wanted to be born in China, but due to abortion in the context of the one child policy, he had chosen to be born here. I felt sad that he wouldn’t be able to meet the people he would have like to meet in his life time and I imagined that he would feel not at home in Holland and wouldn’t be able to find friends here.
One night I saw in myself the face of a young Chinese woman and a young Chinese man. I assumed that this were a sister and a brother of his. The face of the woman was not moving and I assumed that she had died already. Later on I felt I made contact with the Chinese parents that my son would have had, and I felt that they gave me their energy that they would have spend on his upbringing.
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Nothing of all of this was in any way relevant to the reality of day to day living, it existed in my imagination only: the emotion that something didn’t match, that something wasn’t right. The fact that I wasn’t able to take care of my son is what should have bothered me, but the emotion was directed to the imagination and therefor I wasn’t bothered by my abusive behavior and I didn’t realize I had to take action to intervene and stop and change.

How I hated my son.

How I hated my son. Before my son was born, before the conception, I sensed that a child wanted to be born. Call it intuition. In the middle of the sexual intercourse, I felt a question was asked: will you or won’t you have a child? I decided to say: yes. Just for the sake of having something happening instead of nothing happening. And yes, the pregnancy started. After a few months, I still had no idea as to what should be done to prepare for the child to come. Understand that I was extremely in the mist in myself. I had virtually no ability to be responsible for something. I had no idea about myself in terms of career, ambition. I had a hard time finishing even the simplest of tasks. I had had no experience with babies what so ever. So when birth was coming closer i did nothing, I thought we would improvise things when the time had come. My wife at that time started becoming nervous and she started telling me what we needed to to do as preparations. I didn’t like that. We didn’t have much money so I had to make a lot of stuff myself. I wasn’t able to put myself to it so she had to ask me all the time if I was working on things, telling me to get it done. A irritation was growing in myself, that my easy life with less responsibilities was taken away from me. And my wife’s body was no longer there for my pleasure, but it was all for the baby. I had to meet people who were involved in child birth, I had to digest a lot of information, I had to learn new skills, like a special breathing method together with her. All very disturbing. We even needed to move to another place where I didn’t feel at home at all. And when the house was just finished, which didn’t feel like home yet, my son was born. I felt something for him call it love, for just under a minute, and never again after that. A young woman came to help for a few hours a day during like 10 days. She would basically ignore me, like I shouldn’t be there. The whole house smelled of a baby and I felt even less home then before. I regarded the birth of my son like when one day a person is placed in your house, who cannot speak, cannot take care of his own hygiene, cannot feed himself, who cannot walk like someone totally handicapped in a wheel chair. It was just too much for me. Nevertheless I decided to be a ‘natural father’, meaning a father that helps and does tasks and takes care. I figured that everyone would like me that way and that I would like myself too. I didn’t have a job at that time. I learned to change diapers. But in changing his diapers, he would suddenly kick me with his legs. I guessed he was trying to hurt me and to make life difficult. In revenge I pushed him hard in his belly when I closed the diapers. Much later I found that babies kick their legs because they cannot control them. So it had nothing to do with me. Apart from breastfeeding he got special made ‘milk’ from a bottle. I gave it to him, but every now and then he would just not drink but play around a bit, turning his head away, pushing with his tongue and that got me angry. I would force the rubber into his mouth and press the rubber to inject the fluid into his throat to make him swallow. Of course he would then start coughing at some point, which made me even more angry. I would kind of toss him in his cradle and cover him roughly. Or when I would walk around with him, he would move himself, so I had to keep him from falling all the time, which would irritate me and then I would let him drop only making sure he wouldn’t hit the ground. Later on my wife decided that he could eat bread. I was to give it to him. I made the bread I cut it in pieces and put it in his mouth. He then pushed it out of his mouth, or just left it in there. That got me angry. I waited till I was extremely angry and then I would hit him on his head. It didn’t help of course. The problem was just bigger because he was now crying as well. After like two weeks we went to see the doctor for regular check up and I said he doesn’t take bread, should we return to bottle feeding, he said yes and so that problem was solved. When I had hurt him and he would cry, my wife would ask what had happened and I would tell the event in a way that my son was to blame or that I had hurt him by accident. When she would plan for us to go out and have a walk, suggesting that we would have a happy time, I would find a way to get mad and have trouble with my son, depicting him as the trouble maker, spoiling the good times we were going to have. My wife then would restore the peace in the family. Feeling irritation, exerting anger in hitting and letting him hurt himself, hating him, manipulating situations for my wife in favor of myself, it was everyday living. live=evil. I wasn’t able to change myself and since my wife had a lot of troubles as well, we had to give him to other parents to take care of him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Later on in life I was able to change myself and my son wasn’t hating me for what I had done to him, and so we were able to speak what ever needed to be spoken and have a cool communication and we still have ever since. I posted this with his consent.

2012 Is positivity what’s best for all?

2012 Is positivity what’s best for all? To do what’s best for all requires a in dept understanding of reality. Reality as we have it here isn’t cool, there’s a lot of abuse and deception going on. This is where we start: acknowledging that there’s a lot that needs correction. If we try and make this positive, we have to come up with thought constructs like: everything if perfectly in order, what we see is the illusion, we need to stay in constant meditation (to not get upset about what’s going on in reality), people grow through suffering, we all have been a child dying of starvation in another life, it’s all in God’s hand. These type of ‘solutions’ only solve something in the mind of the person, temporarily, it doesn’t really solve any thing. Anxiety, irritation, even hate and spitefulness are seeping through the positivity or simply burst out in a moment, uncontrollable. In the mean time things worsen. So no, this mental positivity isn’t what’s best for all. It offers no practical solutions. Practical positivity we find in charity. doing things for poor people, for instance, building a few homes, donating money, organizing a dinner for well to do people who pay big money to join the dinner, which will be a donation. All charity leaves the current system as it is, meaning that the cause of the poverty isn’t taken away, which means that charity will never be able to put an end to the problems we face. So practical positivity isn’t what’s best for all either. We need to take on the root cause which is the monetary system that stimulates abuse and deception, and all other systems that depend on it we will be able to change accordingly. Money must support life, not the other way round. Through and within the Equal Money System we do just that. So the Equal Money System would be what’s best for all, for all life, because that’s what we design it for. We use the mental to think it over, to as precisely as possible design solutions, system changes, using what is here in another way, to grant everyone a life worth of living. And we take practical steps like studying what is here, investigating how everything works, how did it came to be this way, harmful, insufficient, not effective. And we (will) stand as politicians, scientists, lawyers, artists, teachers, etc etc. in a way that we support and express life here.