fear of having a job related to sinusitis

In the early morning I woke up and I felt a fluffy feeling, like drifting in warm water with no direction. I saw a letter S shape, slightly bigger than myself. I recognized the feeling, I experience it a few times a day, when I let myself drift away from what I’m focused on. When I have been typing on the computer for instance in a tense manner and I haven’t been breathing properly. Therefor I realized that this isn’t myself as breath, it’s myself as part of a polarity system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity: feeling tense verse fluffy. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was existing as a polarity system I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to exist in and as breath When and as I see myself participating in this polarity I stop, I breathe, I realize I create the change that we want to see in the world breath by breath Next thing that came up in the early morning was fear. I had felt it many times before: fear of being responsible for my income through my own labor. I have lived of a social grant for many years. There is a connection to my sinusitis problems of which I suffer daily: I often felt that it’s my excuse for not having to work to earn a living. I had been examined by a person for my social grant and he decided that I could do work where there is no stress, no need to work for some one’s profit. We have here a special work force of people like me, who do for instance maintaining the bushes and mowing the lawns or light industrial labor. It can take up to three/four years, he told me, before I get a work place there. But still, the future of me working to earn a living triggered fear. Also I had had a conversation on these topics with my homoeopath some days ago. During my nightly fear I felt in my mind that I wanted to blame him for my nasty experience of fear. lol. I didn’t go there, I valued our conversation even more. So it was apparently time to face this fear. The fear itself was awful as are fears. There were some other fears attached to it, at some point during the say 15 minutes it took to face it, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to handle the fear, when I realized this I said: o well it’s just fear. lol. At some point I felt that I very much judged myself for not working and that I wouldn’t be able to let go of this self judgment. That this was the only solution left for a person not working like myself. So I changed that one. When I visited the farm in South Africa, I would have trouble breathing through my nose in the evening/night and Bernard had said; it’s a survival thingy. Well here it was. I had to make a decision: will I hold on to this fear that has served for so many years or will I trust myself? I remembered when I was like 19 years of age that I would work for a few weeks through an agency that searched a temporary job for me and then I would stop, live some time till the money was gone and then I would go to the agency again and pick up another job for a few weeks. That worked out well. I trusted myself back then. So I asked myself: will I trust myself for my living no matter what? And I stepped forward and I manifested myself within this.