sadism

the big dog of my gf died. We had to let the vet do it. The dog had a lot of pain and he couldn't walk much anymore. So on a beautiful morning this week, he was injected, lying in the grass and now he's no longer here as this nice yellow/brown/black dog. My girlfriend was really emotional in the days before his death, I supported her by just being here, listening to her, doing practical stuff. And afterwards we felt relief, because he no longer was in pain and she no longer needed to worry about him. 
When I was back home I suffered from pain in my stomach and that means there is sorrow I didn't feel/experience but suppressed instead. I found that I had at some point in my life installed sadism to no longer suffer from all the painful things that I saw and felt but instead 'enjoy' it. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed sadism, I stop this and I breath when I notice this sadism. It's not real and it has no power over me.