visit to the Destni farm

Hi, my name is Martijn de Graaf, 54, I finished high school in 1976. Last year (2010) I visited Desteni farm. I stayed one month as part of my SRA training (DIP). I had been traveling abroad before and I had been working and living on farms before, and I had been working with groups of people before, so I felt quite comfortable at the farm. I recognized Bernard from a photo on the internet someone told me about. He told me to take it easy but then he found out that I wasn't nervous. But later on he pointed at my solar plexus saying there's fear. And yes I found fear of being examined, like in school. I worked with Andrea and Rozelle on muscle communication and with Esteni we made a Mind construct on political leaders. I did practical work on compost heaps and removal of stones from the fields, and some painting.  I had a simple room with a bed and a table. Every night a white dog would come to sleep in my room. I played everyday with this dog and a black one together they mostly followed me all the time. The black one would wake me up every morning. This one bumped in me all the time and I got irritated and I hit him. He looked at me and I said to myself something's got to change. Then I found that he enjoyed being physically 'in touch' with me here, making physical contact, and then I started to enjoy this and share this with him and we were perfectly fine. Sunette suggested I could take care of a horse. I had a look, but all of the horses were taken care of already. And I was used to horses at my sister's horse farm where I had been living and working.  After my wake up call by the black dog, I used to take a shower in another building where Fidelis and Cerise lived at that time, and cats, and then I would make breakfast in the main building in the kitchen where Elizabeth and a little girl were busy with household jobs and I would have a look around the corner in the living room to see if Bernard was there and if so he would ask: what's up? And I would share what I had been busy with the evening before.  Several times we took of to do shopping in town which was quite a ride, firstly on a dirt road. then a gravel road and then asphalt, entering town  we first saw the shacks where the really poor people lived. And after that the houses with the high fences all around to protect themselves against the poor. Really bizarre to have a third world country and a first world country in the mix. All kinds of tiny jobs had been created for the sake of someone having a job. Like pointing out all day to car drivers which gas pump was available in the moment.  It was easy to see how the Equal Money System would benefit this society and take away a lot of stress from the people. In those days a person had committed suicide because he couldn't get a job because he didn't have identification papers. A lot of poor don't have these. The system as the outflow of our nature is ruthlessly cruel. Bernard would pick all kinds of nice food and treats and some 'temptations' (sweets) and a lot of animal food for all the dogs and cats etc. Sometimes when he would leave the farm he would ask me: will you stay here, the dogs like to have a person around for themselves. And I found that indeed they liked to see me around every now and then and do a little playing and hanging around. There were not much visitors at the farm at that time. Only the parents of one person stayed there a couple of days. I met furthermore: Darryl and Bella, who lived in 'the flat' in town where we 4 or 5 of us would go 5 nights a week to have faster internet, we did a lot of 'sub4sub'. Leila and Gian I met, Frans, Esteni's father whom I worked with.  It was the last month of the wintertime. august, and some nights it was like 0 degrees Celsius. Daytime was like summertime in The Netherlands where I live. It hadn't been raining for along time so everything was really dry and in the neighborhood fields were set to fire to burn them clean, we had to watch the fires to make sure they wouldn't come to the farm.  All and all, I had a good time and the SRA training was more clear. To see that the Desteni members were actually busy with the projects they were working on, which I only had been hearing about through the computer made it more real. Bernard called us together to introduce the power of ten income plan, a multi level marketing idea to built an income through selling the Desteni education as life coaches.  When I was back home, I had one week of: what am I doing here? And after this week I felt that I could fall, I picked myself up in the moment and continued my self application as I used to do.

"You are living in a dream of your own creation. Let it be the dream of a lifetime, for that is exactly what it is." by  Neale Donald Walsch

 when will we wake up then? And, if this isn't real, what is? I agree that we live in a picture world because of the mind and therefor we don't see the physical reality direct. But the physical is pretty real . I have physical needs and I cannot say it is a dream, the needs are real. My actions have real consequences that others can experience.

It does suggest that we wake up in the afterlife. I say lets wake up here, before it's too late. It also suggests that we always can say: it is only a dream, which makes us not take responsibility for what is here. We are illusionary personalities, that's like a dream reality, not real. But if we all accept our not-realness as that's how it is and 'live the dream of a life time', we miss the reality of the physical world, so what are we doing here in a real reality as unreal beings? I say lets see if we can 'awaken' here and realize ourselves for real, meaning becoming a real part of the physical reality.

We all want a happy lucky dream of course, and the statement suggests we go for it. But how can we be so with all the dramatic events all around us? Must we say: it's just a dream, and do nothing?

We can clearly see that our not-realness creates disasters in the reality here. Because living a dream in a real world will never fit and will in fact harm/disturb/destroy.

I cannot see the afterlife, I only see what is here, so I want to be here and find out how to get here as real as the reality here, and how to live here in oneness and equality, which are the principles of the here.

relationship

suddenly, while I was working at my girlfriend's place, I asked myself what am I doing this for. I felt a lack in commitment.
late in the evening we had a conversation, we saw that she is holding back 'because there's always the possibility of you leaving me alone". I said I reckon this is for the rest of my life, so we aren't equally standing in this.
During the next day, while she was gone for work, I felt some anger, and I said to myself this cannot go on as it is. I either quit or I walk this point.
When she had returned home we had a conversation about herself, she said I want to be satisfied with myself. I pointed out that one can be satisfied with one's expression but not with oneself, because self is self. She said she doubted even herself.
I said you need to create a stable self then. I said, you speak a lot in funny voices lately. When you do so, you abdicate your self to the mind. You need to stop it because when you need to be yourself in a moment, you'll have difficulties finding yourself.
I'm satisfied with my self application here, lol

beer

At my girlfriend's street, a neighborhood's barbecue was held. A tradition of 9 years, once in a year at someone's place and for the first time it was in my girlfriend's garden. So I sat their and quite some alcohol was being consumed, everyone having a good time. At some point I decided to have a beer, I had hesitated because I wasn't looking forward to feeling tipsy, I hadn't had any alcohol for like 1 year and 1/2 or maybe 2 years, so I wasn't used to it at all. I just would like to enjoy the taste of it.
I had a beer, It tasted well, and to my surprise there wasn't any alcohol effect what so ever. So cool!

Equal through substance by Bernard Poolman