Electricity as and of myself

since my discovery of the electrical currents in my chest which I separated myself from, hiding away in fear because of their strange feeling in my body, I forgave myself  for fearing and that opened up the possibility to stand one and equal as these currents, and I forgave myself for empowering the lines in my chest through electricity as and of myself, (not all of them yet,) and instead becoming one and equal as the physical.
I discovered more lines, two going up on the sides of my neck, I found that I believed that I needed these to keep myself strong and that I really couldn't do without them, two more going down from my eyes, related to severe anger out bursts, and more.

visit to the Destni farm

Hi, my name is Martijn de Graaf, 54, I finished high school in 1976. Last year (2010) I visited Desteni farm. I stayed one month as part of my SRA training (DIP). I had been traveling abroad before and I had been working and living on farms before, and I had been working with groups of people before, so I felt quite comfortable at the farm. I recognized Bernard from a photo on the internet someone told me about. He told me to take it easy but then he found out that I wasn't nervous. But later on he pointed at my solar plexus saying there's fear. And yes I found fear of being examined, like in school. I worked with Andrea and Rozelle on muscle communication and with Esteni we made a Mind construct on political leaders. I did practical work on compost heaps and removal of stones from the fields, and some painting.  I had a simple room with a bed and a table. Every night a white dog would come to sleep in my room. I played everyday with this dog and a black one together they mostly followed me all the time. The black one would wake me up every morning. This one bumped in me all the time and I got irritated and I hit him. He looked at me and I said to myself something's got to change. Then I found that he enjoyed being physically 'in touch' with me here, making physical contact, and then I started to enjoy this and share this with him and we were perfectly fine. Sunette suggested I could take care of a horse. I had a look, but all of the horses were taken care of already. And I was used to horses at my sister's horse farm where I had been living and working.  After my wake up call by the black dog, I used to take a shower in another building where Fidelis and Cerise lived at that time, and cats, and then I would make breakfast in the main building in the kitchen where Elizabeth and a little girl were busy with household jobs and I would have a look around the corner in the living room to see if Bernard was there and if so he would ask: what's up? And I would share what I had been busy with the evening before.  Several times we took of to do shopping in town which was quite a ride, firstly on a dirt road. then a gravel road and then asphalt, entering town  we first saw the shacks where the really poor people lived. And after that the houses with the high fences all around to protect themselves against the poor. Really bizarre to have a third world country and a first world country in the mix. All kinds of tiny jobs had been created for the sake of someone having a job. Like pointing out all day to car drivers which gas pump was available in the moment.  It was easy to see how the Equal Money System would benefit this society and take away a lot of stress from the people. In those days a person had committed suicide because he couldn't get a job because he didn't have identification papers. A lot of poor don't have these. The system as the outflow of our nature is ruthlessly cruel. Bernard would pick all kinds of nice food and treats and some 'temptations' (sweets) and a lot of animal food for all the dogs and cats etc. Sometimes when he would leave the farm he would ask me: will you stay here, the dogs like to have a person around for themselves. And I found that indeed they liked to see me around every now and then and do a little playing and hanging around. There were not much visitors at the farm at that time. Only the parents of one person stayed there a couple of days. I met furthermore: Darryl and Bella, who lived in 'the flat' in town where we 4 or 5 of us would go 5 nights a week to have faster internet, we did a lot of 'sub4sub'. Leila and Gian I met, Frans, Esteni's father whom I worked with.  It was the last month of the wintertime. august, and some nights it was like 0 degrees Celsius. Daytime was like summertime in The Netherlands where I live. It hadn't been raining for along time so everything was really dry and in the neighborhood fields were set to fire to burn them clean, we had to watch the fires to make sure they wouldn't come to the farm.  All and all, I had a good time and the SRA training was more clear. To see that the Desteni members were actually busy with the projects they were working on, which I only had been hearing about through the computer made it more real. Bernard called us together to introduce the power of ten income plan, a multi level marketing idea to built an income through selling the Desteni education as life coaches.  When I was back home, I had one week of: what am I doing here? And after this week I felt that I could fall, I picked myself up in the moment and continued my self application as I used to do.

beer

At my girlfriend's street, a neighborhood's barbecue was held. A tradition of 9 years, once in a year at someone's place and for the first time it was in my girlfriend's garden. So I sat their and quite some alcohol was being consumed, everyone having a good time. At some point I decided to have a beer, I had hesitated because I wasn't looking forward to feeling tipsy, I hadn't had any alcohol for like 1 year and 1/2 or maybe 2 years, so I wasn't used to it at all. I just would like to enjoy the taste of it.
I had a beer, It tasted well, and to my surprise there wasn't any alcohol effect what so ever. So cool!

meeting a woman and back chat

At my sister's horse farm, a woman came to stay for about one year. I met her there and a pattern started up in which I was trying to see her as a new partner for sex. I noticed that I started to imagine what I would look like and I adjusted my body movements to make a good impression. I stopped this immediately.
I felt in myself the desire to just fall in love and to surrender to this. I stopped it.
I felt I wouldn't be able to resist her when she would make a move towards me. I stopped it.
I felt an excitement when I, being at home, imagined going to my sister's, because I would meet her again. I stopped it.
I still felt pain in my left shoulder/upper part of my back, so I wasn't ready yet.
I found that I had a indecisiveness towards her placed in the future, I corrected this.
So I'm confident that I handle myself well in this back chat uproar.

getting worthy of Life

The two cats are lacking even more care because their owner now has a girlfriend where he apparently stays over a lot. So I give them food every day and they stay a lot in my house. I talked to the neighbor lady downstairs and asked her if she would be willing to feed them in the weekends when I wouldn't be home.

She said yes. Next time I see the owner I will say that I can take care of the cats if he agrees to this. Lets see how this goes.

I stopped a lot of the systems that I had accepted and allowed in myself react to the presence of the cats, like irritation, desire to dominate and control, neglect, ignoring them, even aggression.

So I trust myself sufficiently to be their 'owner'. Not yet 100%, the point of taking care of their health for instance.

Can I be trusted with Life...

I am doing some physical exercises like everyday, which makes that I have a body that's easy in all kind of movements, poses. because the muscles have been trained. I enjoy this.