meeting a woman and back chat

At my sister's horse farm, a woman came to stay for about one year. I met her there and a pattern started up in which I was trying to see her as a new partner for sex. I noticed that I started to imagine what I would look like and I adjusted my body movements to make a good impression. I stopped this immediately.
I felt in myself the desire to just fall in love and to surrender to this. I stopped it.
I felt I wouldn't be able to resist her when she would make a move towards me. I stopped it.
I felt an excitement when I, being at home, imagined going to my sister's, because I would meet her again. I stopped it.
I still felt pain in my left shoulder/upper part of my back, so I wasn't ready yet.
I found that I had a indecisiveness towards her placed in the future, I corrected this.
So I'm confident that I handle myself well in this back chat uproar.

preparing myself for eternal life

hi,
this morning I again watched myself go into thinking thoughts and again wondering what's the urge. I found: I am preparing myself for eternal life. Realizing that my body is finite, I try and construct a reality/identity through thinking, adding thoughts to existing thoughts, expanding. To have a alternate reality for when the body isn't here anymore for me to have an existence. So I would then be able to live in what I have constructed myself during my life time.
I stop this process of creating an alternate reality.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think as a life insurance
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize breath as life.