preparing myself for eternal life

hi,
this morning I again watched myself go into thinking thoughts and again wondering what's the urge. I found: I am preparing myself for eternal life. Realizing that my body is finite, I try and construct a reality/identity through thinking, adding thoughts to existing thoughts, expanding. To have a alternate reality for when the body isn't here anymore for me to have an existence. So I would then be able to live in what I have constructed myself during my life time.
I stop this process of creating an alternate reality.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think as a life insurance
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize breath as life.