a short dream

just before I woke up I had a short dream. My mother had come up with a plan for me to meet a person and she had asked me to go see him. When the time had come I didn't go there. My mother was disappointed in me.

When I woke up I realized the emotional blackmail/manipulation I had allowed myself to be victim to in my youth. Where my mother would come up with plans for me that I wouldn't have come up with myself. And when I didn't adhere to the plan she would be disappointed in me and I would feel guilty and later on desperate for me being unable to fulfill her wishes/desires/will.

Then I would curse myself and reject myself and judge myself as incompetent.

I forgave myself and I stated; I am not here to fulfill the wishes/desires/will of my mother. She chose her role and she is responsible for the emotional consequences when she doesn't see her wishes/desires/will fulfilled, because she doesn't see/treat me equal and one and therefore she tries to get her  fulfillment through emotional blackmail and manipulation.

 In doing so I realized that exactly the same reactive pattern applied to 'God'. Within his impossible demands and desires and will. So I self-forgave this as well. And I stated: I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the demands/wishes/desires/will of 'God'. He chose his role by himself, and he is responsible for the emotional consequences when his demands/wishes/desires/will aren't fulfilled, because he refuses to see/treat me equal and one.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not fulfilling the demands/expectations/wishes/desires/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not fulfilling the demands/expectations/wishes/desires/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the wishes/desire/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the wishes/desire/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate because of this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent because of this

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to curse myself because of this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to reject my existence because of this 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and destroy my life because of this 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand up and state that I'm not here to fulfill the demands/wishes/desires/expectations/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand up and state that I'm not here to fulfill the demands/wishes/desires/expectations/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that the role of 'mother' isn't real. I stand and breath through the play out of this role. I stand and breath and forgive myself the reactive pattern to this role.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that the role of 'God' isn't real. I stand and breath through the play out of this role and I forgive myself the reactive pattern to this role.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I created the mother-role in my imagination, and my son-role as well. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I created the God-role in my imagination, and my child-of-God-role as well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project these 'mother' and 'sun' roles onto my physical mother and onto my physical 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project these 'God' and 'child-of-god' roles onto the universe and my physical.

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagination about these roles to be real.

I am here, breathing, physically here. I am equal to and one with every physical thing here.