fear of mother

I had allowed myself as a child to generate fear in my body as a reaction to the voice and words and behavior of my mum. I found that I am addicted to this energetic high 'in my blood'. And I applied it when I'm with my girlfriend, that's how I became aware of the pattern this morning. I would even invoke the thrill by behaving myself in a way I knew would set my mother off in a anger/irritation. I even learned to create the high whenever I wanted, it became a 'way of life', it would make me feel 'alive', as if I was getting somewhere, engaged, involved.
I'm stopping this.
Esp the thought that what I do will not match her expectations, generates energy.