equality, girlfriend

yesterday I experienced emotional turmoil, which took me about 4 hours to breath through and the question to my girlfriend emerged from this: what is your commitment to our relationship, to me?

When we met later on the day, I asked her this question and she said, o no, no commitment for me, I want to be able to quit whenever I want to end the relationship. I said I am not talking about commitment to an idea or a concept here, I am talking about a self-commitment, like I have: I connect to you no matter what, not based on a feeling or an idea, just because I decide to do so. Stopping can be a part of the commitment, to sort things out before we continue. She didn't see this as a solution.

Then I saw how I have developed self-confidence through my self-forgiveness application, that's why I am able to make the commitment. I said, can't you experience my commitment? She said as I see it your process comes first and you do it no matter what (here she used the Dutch way of saying; 'you walk over dead bodies', indicating a ruthless manner, in which I saw a projection of hers) and you want to use me as a mirror for your process.

I said, yesterday I was having a look if I would visit you. I decided that you had your things to do, where you're busy with and that you enjoy, I let you have this day for yourself. (just to give an example of how ruthless I am, not).

This conversation made clear to me what I had sensed, that we don't stand equally in the relationship. Which gives me a slight feeling of being abused. So today I wrote to her:  you are with me from the starting point of free will. This always has a point of abuse in itself. You want to be with me as long as it gives you a good feeling, and if not, then you quit. Like when I arrived at six, and you didn't expect me to come, your feeling 'froze', and you weren't able to greet me. I find it cool that you don't suppress it and give me a fake smile, and later on you called yourself: "a fridge". But, how many times will you still treat me like this, when are you going to take responsibility and tell me you're sorry. And to take it further and state that you'll never allow yourself to act this out on me anymore, so that when it automatically happens you can forgive yourself?

I wrote: or do you want to keep this freezing attitude to be able to always walk away form me when I might turn into a monster? How long will it take for you to see that I am always in assistance support practically and in your inner stuff? My commitment is that I treat your life as if it were my own and I treat you as myself.