equality, girlfriend

yesterday I experienced emotional turmoil, which took me about 4 hours to breath through and the question to my girlfriend emerged from this: what is your commitment to our relationship, to me?

When we met later on the day, I asked her this question and she said, o no, no commitment for me, I want to be able to quit whenever I want to end the relationship. I said I am not talking about commitment to an idea or a concept here, I am talking about a self-commitment, like I have: I connect to you no matter what, not based on a feeling or an idea, just because I decide to do so. Stopping can be a part of the commitment, to sort things out before we continue. She didn't see this as a solution.

Then I saw how I have developed self-confidence through my self-forgiveness application, that's why I am able to make the commitment. I said, can't you experience my commitment? She said as I see it your process comes first and you do it no matter what (here she used the Dutch way of saying; 'you walk over dead bodies', indicating a ruthless manner, in which I saw a projection of hers) and you want to use me as a mirror for your process.

I said, yesterday I was having a look if I would visit you. I decided that you had your things to do, where you're busy with and that you enjoy, I let you have this day for yourself. (just to give an example of how ruthless I am, not).

This conversation made clear to me what I had sensed, that we don't stand equally in the relationship. Which gives me a slight feeling of being abused. So today I wrote to her:  you are with me from the starting point of free will. This always has a point of abuse in itself. You want to be with me as long as it gives you a good feeling, and if not, then you quit. Like when I arrived at six, and you didn't expect me to come, your feeling 'froze', and you weren't able to greet me. I find it cool that you don't suppress it and give me a fake smile, and later on you called yourself: "a fridge". But, how many times will you still treat me like this, when are you going to take responsibility and tell me you're sorry. And to take it further and state that you'll never allow yourself to act this out on me anymore, so that when it automatically happens you can forgive yourself?

I wrote: or do you want to keep this freezing attitude to be able to always walk away form me when I might turn into a monster? How long will it take for you to see that I am always in assistance support practically and in your inner stuff? My commitment is that I treat your life as if it were my own and I treat you as myself.

supermarket

The supermarket in the neighborhood is our supermarket. Yet legally it belongs to just a few persons who we even don't know. They get our money, although legally it's their money. They do with their money as they please, although it's our money. How come we abdicate our responsibility to 'leaders', how come we believe that we cannot organize and maintain a supermarket by ourselves? How come we believe and feel we need leaders, and how come we wait for leaders to direct us, instead of we directing our world. Or isn't this our world?
Is it because the majority of us is raised to limit ourselves to our own small bubble of family and friends and colleagues, perhaps a church and some other organization, and that's about it. And just a few are raised to become leaders.
So we have to re-educate ourselves. we have to investigate the very core of our being we have come to be. And change ourselves. To be our own leader. If we dare. This is self love.

girlfriend and cats

She called in the moment that I was writing an email to her! She said, I haven't go much to say. I said I read the email to you. I said, in the beginning of  a relationship a lot of energy becomes available as feelings, so then we have a 'free ride'. Now the energy is gone so it's really up to us what we share. It's impossible to say up front what it will be like because we create it in the moment. We agreed to do so.
So cool all in all!

I was a bit worried about the two cats, how are they doing... cats don't like to be moved to another place. Then I realized I wanted to be their savior. lol. Then I remembered that their owner had his foot badly hurt so he wasn't able to go to work, so they have him at home with them. all day, which is cool.

two cats are gone

today I saw the owner of the cats coming home. He carried two bins for cats. I realized he was going to take the cats to his girlfriend's house, where he lives shortly.

I walked over to tell him that I wouldn't mind to keep the small red/white cat, who enjoys staying with me. he said he wanted to keep the two cats together so they can support each other in the new environment. 

He said if it doesn't work for the red one, he'll bring her to me. Or do I want to own both cats? I said no, that's too much. 

I was a bit sad the rest of the day and still am.

Also sad is, my girlfriend not responding to my mail and my call. We had two phone calls last week in which it became clear that she doesn't understand what I am doing Desteni wise, and that she doesn't have a clue what Desteni is about.

Later on however she said it had been a "confusion of words". 

I emailed: it wasn't a confusion, I saw clearly how we were discussing and I was able to express myself exactly.

No response what so ever. Yet. Maybe it takes a lot of time for her...

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about the departure of the cats.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about my girlfriend not returning my mail/call

I notice that the point in myself repeatedly activates where in i judge myself: I did something wrong because I feel sad now. I stop it every time.

_________________

getting worthy of Life

The two cats are lacking even more care because their owner now has a girlfriend where he apparently stays over a lot. So I give them food every day and they stay a lot in my house. I talked to the neighbor lady downstairs and asked her if she would be willing to feed them in the weekends when I wouldn't be home.

She said yes. Next time I see the owner I will say that I can take care of the cats if he agrees to this. Lets see how this goes.

I stopped a lot of the systems that I had accepted and allowed in myself react to the presence of the cats, like irritation, desire to dominate and control, neglect, ignoring them, even aggression.

So I trust myself sufficiently to be their 'owner'. Not yet 100%, the point of taking care of their health for instance.

Can I be trusted with Life...

I am doing some physical exercises like everyday, which makes that I have a body that's easy in all kind of movements, poses. because the muscles have been trained. I enjoy this. 

Violation of Trust

fear of loneliness. Removing litter.

fear of loneliness. Removing litter.