breathing

I went to bed to sleep, but once in bed I stayed very much awake instead and my mind presented 'interesting thoughts'. When I found myself thinking the thought I would stop and breathe, till the mind more or less gave up and my focus was breathing and I found self honesty and self forgiveness in it: When I breathed in I would see a self dishonesty, some aspect of personality, and breathing out I would forgive it. It was fascinating I continued and I was surprised to see so many different personality aspects, I saw them as images of people I had seen throughout my lifetime, although some I didn't remember having seen them, but then I realized I had had sex with different people and downloaded their information as well. Following a thought distracted me several times but just for several breathes and then I would return to this process.
I saw the breath would come to me to fill my lungs as pure, innocence, highlighting what I had accepted and allowed to exist in myself, and I saw that it was my choice/decision/responsibility what I would let the breath carry with it into the world, which quality/intention.
During the next day I tried to continue this but it was hard, chatting with my girlfriend, I was very busy in my mind, looking for conversation material. And later on in the day I found myself giving energy to several systems which I felt as sore spots in my back, so I had to deal with those.

So I can confirm what Bernard had said about the breath: breathing in; self honesty, breathing out; self forgiveness.  When I first heard this I thought it to be impossible to be aware in every single breath!

stretching with pain

for the past month, I had terrible pain in my lower legs and feet. Mostly only in one place at the time, sometimes more. I would stretch my body while I'm in bed and BAM terrible muscle pain. I guess it is pain that I had accumulated through time by living in and as systems in my lower legs and feet. Breathing was the only way to endure it. It made me clear that we cause an awful lot of pain to the physical body while living in and as systems, that we don't notice because of our separation.
It becomes visible in older people where we see the body in strange poses, like there has been a constant heavy weight on their shoulders for instance.
It has lasted for 4-5 weeks and it has diminished for the past couple of days.

debunking Neale Donald Walsch' quote

Neale Donald Walsch
"Life is not a competition that is tough, and our experience and purpose is not about survival, it is about expression. Specifically, the expression of Divinity in, through, and as Us, and the experience of heaven on earth."

Anywhere there exist shortage, there exist competition, and anywhere there exist shortage of the basic necessities of life, there exists survival. Expression other than competition and survival is only possible when the basic needs are met, and an equal starting point is established. So the first part of his statement only goes for people with enough money to buy all that they need for life, and that has time to engage a process of elimination of competition in themselves. Therefor they must have access to education on 'how to', and to assistance and support. Because competition is very very deeply ingrained in ourselves as how we position ourselves in the world.

If our "experience and purpose" isn't about survival, we'll have to make sure that survival isn't an issue. This obviously cannot be accomplished within the current system, so Neale is implicitly suggesting an Equal Money System within which we can in fact make sure that survival is eliminated.

To prove that divinity is expressed in, through and as us, we'll have to create heaven on earth in fact, not only as an experience for ourselves like having a heavenly feeling and heavenly images while other people suffer. Because that wouldn't be divinity but self manipulation. And here again, Neale is implicitly suggesting the Equal Money System which we can bring about to create earth as heaven, meaning all life will be cared for.

 ·  · a few seconds ago

Wie zal het Gelijkheids Geld Systeem handhaven?

Het systeem komt tegemoet aan alle noodzakelijke eisen van levensonderhoud, en daarbovenop nog creëert het ruimte om zelf expressie to verkennen. Dus iemand die het systeem omver zou willen werpen of schade berokkenen zal door iedereen herkend worden als een bedreiging voor het leven. Te verwachten valt dat zulke mensen heel weinig voor zullen komen omdat het systeem zelf geenzins bedreigend is. In voorkomende gevallen is ingrijpen noodzakelijk. Niet op de wijze  zoals wij dat kennen van politie inzet, maar vanuit het vertrekpunt van psychologische hulp. Want wie een bedreiging vormt voor het leven die vormt een bedreiging voor zichzelf, en dat zal door daartoe opgeleide mensen aangetoond worden totdat degene die zichzelf uit het systeem heeft afgezonderd dit inziet. Wat helemaal niet zo moeilijk zal zijn omdat zijn fysieke bestaan nu eenmaal behoeftes heeft die niet te ontkennen zijn zoals drinken en eten, en zo zullen de noden van zijn fysieke bestaan hem weer het systeem binnen leiden. De 'handhaving' zal dus primair geschieden door ons lichamelijke bestaan, ondersteund door mensen die hun stabiliteit en hun helderheid inzake het proces van zelf realisatie als leven bewezen hebben in woord en daad.

Real air to breath in an Equal Money System

Within the Equal Money System, we’ll have real air to breath. Because we will sort out all industries to see how we can produce stuff with the least possible harm to life. We will for sure have a lot less industries because we will produce a lot less stuff. The need to make profit will be gone and therefor we can focus on the stuff that is really useful and fundamental to our living here. We will produce stuff to have fun with as well, but all the time we ask the question is it produced in a way that’s best for all?
And we need a lot less electricity, for the same reason. We may even find ways to produce electricity in ways different from burning old stuff from the Earth, again when desire for profit exist no more. Currently such solutions are being suppressed and /or ignored.

From a different starting point if we look at the breath, we have accepted and allowed ourselves to have end up in this situation where we spend our breath in workplaces for the benefit of the already rich and wealthy few and we are not free to breath real air, only this air. Which is not the air that is here, but a fake air, made up by positions of fear of survival, fear of having no money.

Through the Equal Money Systems will make sure that every one’s life is supported so we don’t have to waste our breath in a system of destruction.

06 FAQ Hoe zullen mensen gemotiveerd worden in een vrije samenleving, in een Gelijkheids Geld Systeem?

Twee motivaties zie ik sowieso: de eerste is de fysieke werkelijkheid zelf. Ik bedoel, je kan niet zonder schoon drinkwater en dus zul je in actie komen om dat voor elkaar te krijgen. Of nog duidelijker: onze fysieke realiteit in de vorm van ons lichamelijke bestaan eist dat er schoon drinkwater is, het is een kwestie van leven of dood.
En dat is met heel veel zo. Eten natuurlijk, daar zit enorm veel werk aan vast, vooral als de olie minder wordt. Dan kleding, als de ‘Chinezen’ niet alles meer voor ons maken. Dan huisvesting, huisraad, meubilair etc., verwarming. Dan infrastructuur, elektriciteit, internet, transportmiddelen. Je ziet, elk onderwerp is nodig om een waardig bestaan te hebben en elk vraagt allerlei activiteit/werk om het voor elkaar te krijgen en te onderhouden. Daar zullen we al heel druk mee zijn. De hele organisatie ervan, verder educatie, heel belangrijk. En administratie.
Ik denk aan verzorging van babies, dieren, zieken, ouderen. En we zullen heel veel werk hebben aan opruimen van de zooi uit deze tijd. Bomen planten ....

De tweede motivatie zie ik in zelfexpressie. Als mens wil je iets uitleven waarin je jezelf in je element ervaart, wat echt een uitdrukking van jezelf is en dat kan werkelijk van alles zijn. Als je b.v. kleding ontwerpen doet dan zul je daarvoor van alles nodig hebben en daarom gemotiveerd zijn om actief te zijn.

Free choice?

Is there really free choice: one does what's best for all or ...? Or?. If one choses not to do what's best for all, one is clearly psychopathic, because what's best for all is also best for self, as self is part of all. So one then choses against oneself. This indicates that one isn't directing oneself but instead let oneself be directed by self destructive impulses. If one doesn't directly experiences the self destruction, that doesn't change the fact. 1+1=2

Fear of the future

This morning I stretched myself in bed and BAM! a muscle in my left leg, the lower part, started aching like hell. I couldn’t move for a moment and I had to stay put. And in this moment a almost overwhelming shitty feeling spread throughout the upper part of my body. I felt quite helpless and when I looked I saw it is my accumulated worries about the future. And I realized that every time Desteni made a new move, I would have a worry that something bad might happen to us.
In the past days I had felt every now and then this emotion looming, I new I had to face it soon and here we had it in full force, it almost blew me away. I stopped myself from jumping out of bed to try and forget/ignore this nasty emotion asap, distracting myself with what ever I could find for that purpose. And after some time a stability emerged in the hell and my mind tried to convince me that I had been right in my frequent worries. I realized I couldn’t hold on to my worries any longer, although it felt I was entering nowhere land, because they were clearly energies, not self. Finally the leg calmed down and the nasty energetic charge was diminishing. I gave it some more time and carefully I got up.

dancing to the machine

Listening to House music, when that came into being, I wondered: how come people like to dance to such mechanical sounds, as if they dance in the inner of a big machine that’s running in some large production hall. Dancing to the machine.
The rhythm is the foundation of the song. The drums and the bass produce the repetitive tones in the lower region, like the various repeating sounds of the machine. The other instruments join in a higher pitch. Sometimes a sound like the starting up of the machine are in the song.
We use the music that’s playing to impulse a vibrational energy that we generate inside us. This energy bouncing inside us, makes us want to express ourselves accordingly. So we see the body expressing in mechanical movements, and the breath is suppressed, indicating that we indeed are expressing energy. Not self expression.

No more Occupy Wall Street in an Equal Money System

No more Occupy Wall Street because Wall Street will no longer be in business. Wall Street is all about profit money that seeks investment opportunities to become more, to grow. The profit was the result of greed and the Wall Street business is all about greed as well. It’s all in the best interest of the few, the elite of this world, the ones with money. The most profitable investments are made where the workers are paid the absolute minimum for the maximum working hours and the minimum rights. So it is obviously not what’s best for all, Wall Street, and within an Equal Money System we won’t have this, it doesn’t support life on Earth at all. Because expenses to save the environment, to handle the waste to minimize the harm to life, bugs, animals, plant life, will be cut to the absolute minimum to maximize the profit, to be able to pay the investors the highest possible return.
Wall Street is the casino like manifestation where some always win and many lose. Because when there is a gigantic amount of money accumulated within families or groups, then they will influence the markets through buying and selling large quantities of resources for instance, and so they can manipulate profits and losses and plan exactly where and when to invest and to withdraw.
No more will we have power in the hands of a few families/groups that accumulate and move money regardless of the consequences in the lives of countless people. We won’t have money that can be accumulated and that gives power. We won’t have money as such. We will all be registered in a global administration system to make sure that no one goes without the necessities for life. We’ll have a card with a chip, or an implant, to connect to the system and keep the administration up to date when we collect our stuff.
No more pension funds and assurance companies that have gigantic amounts of money which they need to put in the market to keep their capital growing as all will have the Equal Money System as assurance and pension.
So no need to occupy Wall Street, we’ll put Wall Street out of business once and for all, because we won’t allow such tools of abuse any longer in our systems.

no more need for competition in an Equal Money System

Competition in an Equal Money System doesn’t exist. I mean, it could be maybe in the form of challenging each other to come up with the best solution for example, but it would be shared freely with all. Competition isn’t what’s best for all, it always serves just some or someone. And it brings about all kind of secrecy and deception and hate even.
We will see and realize that sharing all information and skills with whom it may concern will bring out the best we can!
In this way we can bring forth far better products and services then in a system of competition like Capitalism. We will recognize others as ourselves so that takes away any purpose for competition. We will give to each other what we would like to be given. In the EMS we all win. Nature wins, the animal kingdom wins, the Earth wins. All winners so no need to compete!

No more hunting in an Equal Money System

Hunting for ‘sport’ or ‘pleasure’ will no longer exist because all life is equal and we give to another, and this includes the animal, what we would like to be given. Would you like to be hunted? No, so don’t give this to another. The perceived pleasure from hunting is nothing but feeding on the energy that one feels while hunting. Where does it come  from? It’s squeezed out of the physical body. So we’re sucking the life out of out bodies while we end the lives of animals and that we call ‘pleasure’.?!. In the EMS where life is the core value of our society, because we see that life is the basis of existence, we obviously will not have hunting.
Hunting doesn’t align with the oneness and equality of the physical world, it requires separation to be able to hunt and kill, enjoying this. So it isn’t fit for this reality, it’s only acceptable in ones separate mind reality, as the expression of selfish interest.
Hunting for food will not be necessary because food will be distributed to all equally. We’ll have systems in place to take care of it.
Rifles and weapons of sorts will be taken out of this reality. We don’t support life, we don’t express life with weapons.

Will crime be necessary in an Equal Money System?

Crime is necessary when there is not enough money to survive, or when there is greed, when there is jealousy, competition, fear, hate, passion, boredom, aggression, etc.
The point of having no money to survive, is gone in the EMS, because we won’t have to buy stuff with money. We won’t have to buy stuff and we won’t have money. Everything we need for life, we make sure that it is provided for all equally. So no need to commit a crime out of fear of having no money/means to survive.
The point of committing crimes for psychological reasons, this will need correction through a process of self intimacy, self honesty and self forgiveness, to then live the correction practically. Because crime obviously isn’t what’s best for all, it’s selfish interest and therefor it cannot exist in an EMS. For that reason we will not have police as chasers of criminals. The police will be here for assistance and support in all kind of situations where in people need help.

And where are you going to get the money?

 And where are you going to get the money to fund the Equal Money System?
(in the series Life in an Equal Money System)

The EMS won’t need funding in itself, because the core value is life. So every time a being is born into this world there is value. And all the life supporting products are made available to all equally. The work won’t be done for money as payed slaves like currently where everyone is working under the threat of an atrocious life when having no money. There will be, on the basis of ‘give what you would like to be given’ a 4 - 6 years of mandatory labor, when you go live apart from your parents, together as a group, having a good time working and living together. And that will do as we will be able to produce goods that last ‘a life time’, meaning far better quality because there need not be made profit. And all knowledge will not be kept secret for profit, but shared openly to produce the best we can. So we don't need to work for many hours a day, many days a week, many weeks a year and many years in a life time. A lot of stuff that we don't really need is produced currently for profit.
Any one who enjoys producing specific stuff can of course do so if it’s what's best for all and if very little harm is done in the process.
So there is no money involved as in ‘buying’ stuff and services. Everyone will have a card to make sure that one can get the stuff to support one’s life. Stuff will be made available by the mandatory labor and through an all inclusive logistics system everything will be distributed to support every one’s life. The card is to ‘communicate’ with the logistics system about the stuff that’s for your life.
So no cash money, no printed money, no banks.

Rally participant dies

In the newspaper a report on a fun rally for old timer cars. One of the participants had driven his car right under a passing train and he had died on the spot. From this moment on the rally had been cancelt.
Now if we expand, and have a look at the bigger picture, we can see the f*ck up, where we cancel a rally for the death of one participant, where thousends of persons die every day in/from our economic system and yet, we don't stop! So what means the death of people? Collateral damage? We need to stop the human rally/race because as long as we die due to the system we all exist in and as we pay no respect to life while life is in fact the most valuable 'thing' we have, without life, everything stops.
So let's stop ourselves before we stop life, and make life the core value of our world system as it should have been all along.

Panic Disorder

many years ago, I suffered from 'panic disorder'. In the middle of the night I woke up with a terrifying sensation running through my veins. I wondered what would be the appropriate action to take: running in the street screaming? I decided to call a emergency doctor. I got an assistent on the phone and I explained my situation. Then the doctor himself came on the phone he said it's panic disorder. He said nothing can be done, you'll just have to endure it till it diminishes.
It stayed with me for hours and boy was I glad the light of day came and the first person I saw on a bicycle leaving home for work, proving that at least some things were still normal. That day I phoned a friend of mine who had had severe situations herself. She said you can come over to our place. I didn't dare to stay in my own home alone any longer, let alone face another night time.
I said I'm afraid to take the bus. She said if you really want it you can do it. I held on to this thought and went by bus. We drove through the fog, quite symbolic, I tried to keep my cool.
From that day on I needed sleeping pills to overcome my fear for going to sleep. I slept at several peoples homes, a few day here a few days there, because I was too afraid to be alone. After three months I had the guts to stop the pills, only taking them every now and then. And for another couple of months I kept them within reach for just in case.
This morning I faced this panic disorder, meaning I felt the exact nasty sensation in my body and in the moment I decided to not let myself be carried away in fear and panic, but to stick with the sensation and to withstand the temptation to leave my body to reside in mind dimensions of fear and panic. It was hell. I spoke my self forgivenesses on fear and panic and I breathed and I stood no matter what.
I realized that 'panic disorder' is just another acceptance and allowance, it isn't something that just happens, to which I fall a helpless victim.
So that's done.

Will Olympic Games still exist in an Equal Money System?

Games as competition to win won't exist. It doesn't support the equality principle, it supports the personality cult. Sports can exist, for showing to others your passion, as a gift to enjoy. There can exist a form of competition as in finding new ways of expressing a sport, but pure for the sake of enriching the sport and the expression of it. And none of this will be kept secret to have an advantage over others. It will be shared equally to share the joy.
Olympic Games might be called Olympic Sports, however the implications of setting up this event as all the facilities that are required might be seen as not what's best for all, when all resources and efforts for the event are in fact too harmful to life in general. Currently many millions of dollars are spend to create the games all the while many people don’t have food or water etc. It’s like saying: f*ck you, to the starving and the ones struggling to survive.
How did we get this idiot? It’s because we exist in and as the mind and as such we are perfectly capable of separating different parts of reality from each other and to act as if one part doesn’t exist, in favor of another part. Could there be anything more urgent than people who haven’t eaten  enough to sustain there body? Olympic games maybe? Of course not, and a real sportsman would feel ashamed and take action to solve these problems once and for all. So we must come to the conclusion that there are no real sportsmen in the Olympic Games, only egos trying to defeat other egos, so busy in the process that the most urgent situations in the world are forgotten.
This is something to decide upon all together, in a democratic way as this is a 'public event'.
We will take everything in consideration to make it something that’s best for all and that brings as little harm as possible.

we are crazy

In the news was the report that 80 (80!) people on a cruise ship had fallen ill. A poo cruise, lol. Wow what a news! We are damn crazy! WTF. Not a single time in the news I hear about the daily diseases due to lack of money where people in large numbers suffer totally unnecessarily.
Directly after the news we hear a report on a Russian satellite that's gotten in trouble. There's very little chance they'll get it going to a Mars moon. From the satellite, so the prof said, we can learn a bit more on the history of the universe and what might be the future. What was the value of the thing: a few hundred million euro!! WTF100

human nature

how can you tell that what we have currently as society, as the way to exist together, as the way we treat each other and ourselves, isn't reflecting our nature?
Have a look: because we are pretending all of the time! Pretending to like someone, pretending to be good at our job, pretending to be a good parent, pretending to live a normal life, we are pretending that we are the summit of evolution, we are pretending that we are evolving, that we will somehow make a 'shift' to a higher dimension. That we will solve our problems with our technological solutions.
We are pretending that we as governments can rule our countries in a way that's best for the people. We are pretending that we as corporations make products to serve the people in the best possible way, knowing what they need.
Now if we all realize we are pretending to be who we are, then we can take one more step and realize that we aren't living our real nature. How silly is that?!
So let's all stop, stop our pretended nature point by point through self forgiveness and start expressing in a way that doesn't harm ourself or another as ourself.

Man flies through the sky

I watched this interview with Yves Rossy, the man that flies through the sky with a wing strapped to his back, with four small jet engines mounted on it. Last year he flew from France to England. He jumps of of a plane or helicopter and unfolds his wing and start up the engines and off he goes. He was talking about his experience and he mentioned that he was going to develop the device to take-off capability from the ground. And-, so he finished, -then it will become available to everyone! He looked around the audience of well to do people, but nobody responded with cheers because obviously these people were no dare devils like himself.
He was presenting his efforts to further develop the wing as a contribution to the community, to make it perfect and available to everyone. Obviously, few people would ever fly around with the wing strapped to their back doing 190 miles/300KM per hour. But still there is this sense of offering something to everyone equally, and the development as a service to all.
Is it of any relevance in this moment that we have here on Earth as humanity? Is a jet propelled wing what's best for all in this situation? Imagine this man using the opportunity to speak in public and his speech furthermore published on the internet to present the Equal Money solution. That would make his project worthwhile, but as it is now, sponsored and used for advertisement by some multinationals, it's of no use for the change that needs to be made by us: the change of our nature and the change of our world system, towards oneness and equality as life. Practically made visible in the Equal Money System, where life is the core value.

forgiveness as the allowance to abuse

I remember relationships where I would have secret desires for sex and I would manipulate my girlfriend to get what I desired and when she would find out I would talk until she would no longer accuse me. Then I would be forgiven because she would be normal to me again. My sin was apparently taken away from me and I could make a fresh start form the starting point where I had been before my 'sin'.
Then I would start my abuse again at some point in time. Because I hadn't changed. I still had the same mind set and the same acceptances and allowances so I was still as abusive as before.

It is obvious that forgiveness opens the door to repeated abuse. Therefor self forgiveness as solution to change self once and for all to never abuse again.

death announcements

My girlfriend was reading some announcements in the newspaper on the death of people, send in by the remaining family members. When reading these, one would expect the world te be heaven. Everyone who had died were 'loved' and we started joking by making up contrary goodbye messages for the dead: "finally he's gone", "we have been waiting too long", "never again", "we're happy and grateful to announce the death of ...". So we had a good laugh realizing the fucked upness of this kind of announcements.
Same goes obviously for births. Often people hang a colored paper words where it says: hurrah! a boy. Or Hurrah! a girl! Never do we read: O no! a boy! or, We'd rather had a girl!
I remember the time where my wife and I were preparing for the birth of our first child and all we saw were wonderful pictures and words of having a baby.
How did we get this crazy all together? Obviously it's all about image, keeping up appearances, and about sales. A beautiful dream sells.
So we have a fictional public world, where everything seems fine and lovely. Smiling faces everywhere, everyone happy with the stuff that's for sale. While in fact when taking a closer look, stuff isn't made to last, it's the less possible content for the highest possible price, more often produced by people who earn just enough to have a shitty life. When we meet out on the streets we smile to each other and we have a chat on the weather.

Self honesty is what we need, to educate our children, which we can only teach them when we are forgiving ourselves for all the fucked upness and deception and lies we're representing ourselves. To never again create a false world in spite of reality again.

Spiteful towards myself

I discovered little thoughts of spitefulness and neglect towards myself. Where I would diminish myself. I think that my existence is of no importance, that my actions don't really matter. And that my capabilities are useless. This is going on for some time, as an acceptance and allowance within myself. It affects my determination to work for the change we want to see on Earth.
The underlying emotion is that all is for nothing: we won't make it, we won't change. The brainwashed state of humanity is to strong. And I am not fit for the work that needs to be done.
Every time I forget something, or I type something wrong, I condemn myself for my limitedness as the system that I am. Or when I struggle to learn something new on the computer, or to learn how to make a mind construct in the DIP course.

I wasn't aware of this accumulating in myself, by giving a little confirmation to each thought that would come up indicating these type of failures. I need to watch closely what is moving in my mind and to breathe instead of confirming the thoughts. Sticking to my decision to never allow this again. Because the accumulated spitefulness bursted out in one moment when I acted out on the dog for spoiling something I had just finished cleaning. Where I was trying to smash the mirror of what I was doing myself: spoiling my own cleaning of my mind.

Will Olympic Games still exist in the Equal Money System?

Will Olympic Games still exist in the Equal Money System?

Games as competition to win won't exist. It doesn't support the equality principle, it supports the personality cult. Sports can exist, for showing to others your passion, as a gift to enjoy. There can exist a form of competition as in finding new ways of expressing a sport, but pure for the sake of enriching the sport and the expression of it. And none of this will be kept secret to have an advantage over others. It will be shared equally to share the joy.

Olympic Games might be called Olympic Sports, however the implications of setting up this event as all the facilities that are required might be seen as not what's best for all. When all resources and efforts for the event are in fact too harmful to life in general. 

Will cars produced be of the same model, same brand in the Equal Money System

What I see is that we will have only one brand: the Equality brand. It will offer the best cars we're able to produce. That means for instance that it will be long lasting and easy to maintain and repair. As many parts as possible will be re-useable, and the rest will be easy to dismantle and returned as resource material.

There could exist a form of competition between different factories to see which one can come up with the best solutions, technical/environmental/other, which will be shared equally, one brand would be most efficient and effective, and would depict the Equality principle nicely.

Inventions to make it even better will be decided on from a point of necessity and the harm it causes (in the physical world to living organisms) to implement the innovation. Retrieving resources from the Earth for instance may cause harm to bugs/animals living there.

There will be different models for different purposes. But not for personal taste. Everything will be aligned to the physical. So there will be cars to transport humans, to transport humans and goods like a pickup truck, for goods only, for any specific physical purpose we will make specific cars/vehicles, for instance for long or short distance rides. There might be a choice of chairs to accommodate the specs of one's body to the optimum, or a design that's easy adjustable for different body types. 

The cars will not be a personal possession, most likely cars will be available for communal usage. As this is more efficient. There might be cars for very long/short people. Though there might be people who like to have/share a specific vehicle for fun riding, then again will all points be taken in consideration if this isn't abusive towards other life forms.

Electricity as and of myself

since my discovery of the electrical currents in my chest which I separated myself from, hiding away in fear because of their strange feeling in my body, I forgave myself  for fearing and that opened up the possibility to stand one and equal as these currents, and I forgave myself for empowering the lines in my chest through electricity as and of myself, (not all of them yet,) and instead becoming one and equal as the physical.
I discovered more lines, two going up on the sides of my neck, I found that I believed that I needed these to keep myself strong and that I really couldn't do without them, two more going down from my eyes, related to severe anger out bursts, and more.

The Design of Autism

I remembered as a child I would occasionally have these strange energies running through my chest, like lines of electricity. I had no idea what it was that I experienced and in the end I developed fear to hide away in fear when these energies would appear.

I forgot about the energies and hiding in fear became normal. In time I forgot about/suppressed the fear and the only thing left was my body showing me by tightening my nose making the breath difficult that something was the matter.

So I'm watching in the moment that I feel these energies occurring, I stop myself from going into fear and quickly suppressing that. Breathing. I wonder how this will develop.

these points opened up:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act from the starting point of the electrical currents I feel in my chest, instead of from self as self direction.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to initiate action to try and get away from the feeling of the electrical currents
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel excited by the electrical currents
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to enjoy this excitement
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to end up in stress/anxiety, following the electrical energy.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to burst out in anger/hatred from this electrical feeling
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel superpower from this electrical energy
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to harm my physical body through my actions from the currents
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to leave the centre of myself in my chest to exist in and as a artificial state of energy
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when my artificial existence is challenged, when I feel it has no solid foundation in and as myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use reasoning to support it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use anger to try and defend it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and end it by endless crying
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and forget about it by entertaining myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and make it real by believing it was God's reality/a higher state of being, believing it to be more important than the physical realm.

The Netherlands and most of Europe is said to be based on Christian tradition. Is this so in fact?
Christian would mean: love thy neighbor as yourself. What do we see? Competition everywhere, in schools in sports in jobs in economy.
Another one: do not collect earthly wealth. What do we see? A Vatican that owns billions and that has their churches filled with gold.
We are supposed to be the custodians of all life on the planet. What do we see? Clear?
We have no Christian tradition here what so ever.
Be a good samaritan. What do we see? When a hostel is planned for the homeless, the neighborhood protests: we don't want them here!
Christianity has failed to practice it's teachings. I've been participating in Christianity for 14 years myself. believing I was doing something good for humanity, Earth, for my soul/my self, for God. I believed that Angels guided us and that Christ was our connection to God and that God was the source of all of existence, as light/energy/love.
Looking back I can say that we were only busy with ourselves, consumed by our efforts to be good participants in our community, and that's it. 'If we stick together in our small community and don't give up practicing our religion, than we do the best we can for humanity.' We did see the world's problems, but we didn't think of practical solutions, supposedly our rituals and prayers would be a relief for mankind. In reality the world deteriorated even further during that time. So all illusions.

I got into this religion  because of the first time joining a sermon, I felt a healing taking place at my self, at several parts of my body, when the incense filled the chapel. I saw the failure of this religion in another of it's communities where I found that the people hadn't changed for the better in any way what so ever compared to how I saw them several years earlier. On the contrary, I found them even worsened. Mentally unstable, all kind of mental issues playing out.

So I ended my participation and a few years later I found Desteni as a form of practical Christianity: Self Forgiveness, Equal Money System, World Equality

I looked around me and I realized: all of these things are here for profit. And I saw that all stuff exists between two extremes: fear of having no money to survive on the one end and desire for maximum profit on the other end. The latter meaning that a product will have the least content for the highest possible price. And the first one meaning that the worker isn't producing stuff because he enjoys the process or the product. The result is that we don't get the best quality possible and that factors like efficiency determine what the products look like and what they consist of. Even poisonous goods are being produced, and stuff that isn't fit for recycling. A useful medicine may not even be produced because there may not come enough profit from it. And for instance in food production the rules for hygiene may not be followed up by the workers because they're not really interested in producing food, they do it just for the money.
I realized that it's hard to tell what and how we will produce within the Equal Money System. Where we will have left the two extremes behind so we can focus on the best possible quality and where we can explore our capabilities in making stuff, enjoying the process, one and equal with the physical so that the product is aligned to the body and to the environment, not harmful in any way. 
So many unimaginable surprises await us!

visit to the Destni farm

Hi, my name is Martijn de Graaf, 54, I finished high school in 1976. Last year (2010) I visited Desteni farm. I stayed one month as part of my SRA training (DIP). I had been traveling abroad before and I had been working and living on farms before, and I had been working with groups of people before, so I felt quite comfortable at the farm. I recognized Bernard from a photo on the internet someone told me about. He told me to take it easy but then he found out that I wasn't nervous. But later on he pointed at my solar plexus saying there's fear. And yes I found fear of being examined, like in school. I worked with Andrea and Rozelle on muscle communication and with Esteni we made a Mind construct on political leaders. I did practical work on compost heaps and removal of stones from the fields, and some painting.  I had a simple room with a bed and a table. Every night a white dog would come to sleep in my room. I played everyday with this dog and a black one together they mostly followed me all the time. The black one would wake me up every morning. This one bumped in me all the time and I got irritated and I hit him. He looked at me and I said to myself something's got to change. Then I found that he enjoyed being physically 'in touch' with me here, making physical contact, and then I started to enjoy this and share this with him and we were perfectly fine. Sunette suggested I could take care of a horse. I had a look, but all of the horses were taken care of already. And I was used to horses at my sister's horse farm where I had been living and working.  After my wake up call by the black dog, I used to take a shower in another building where Fidelis and Cerise lived at that time, and cats, and then I would make breakfast in the main building in the kitchen where Elizabeth and a little girl were busy with household jobs and I would have a look around the corner in the living room to see if Bernard was there and if so he would ask: what's up? And I would share what I had been busy with the evening before.  Several times we took of to do shopping in town which was quite a ride, firstly on a dirt road. then a gravel road and then asphalt, entering town  we first saw the shacks where the really poor people lived. And after that the houses with the high fences all around to protect themselves against the poor. Really bizarre to have a third world country and a first world country in the mix. All kinds of tiny jobs had been created for the sake of someone having a job. Like pointing out all day to car drivers which gas pump was available in the moment.  It was easy to see how the Equal Money System would benefit this society and take away a lot of stress from the people. In those days a person had committed suicide because he couldn't get a job because he didn't have identification papers. A lot of poor don't have these. The system as the outflow of our nature is ruthlessly cruel. Bernard would pick all kinds of nice food and treats and some 'temptations' (sweets) and a lot of animal food for all the dogs and cats etc. Sometimes when he would leave the farm he would ask me: will you stay here, the dogs like to have a person around for themselves. And I found that indeed they liked to see me around every now and then and do a little playing and hanging around. There were not much visitors at the farm at that time. Only the parents of one person stayed there a couple of days. I met furthermore: Darryl and Bella, who lived in 'the flat' in town where we 4 or 5 of us would go 5 nights a week to have faster internet, we did a lot of 'sub4sub'. Leila and Gian I met, Frans, Esteni's father whom I worked with.  It was the last month of the wintertime. august, and some nights it was like 0 degrees Celsius. Daytime was like summertime in The Netherlands where I live. It hadn't been raining for along time so everything was really dry and in the neighborhood fields were set to fire to burn them clean, we had to watch the fires to make sure they wouldn't come to the farm.  All and all, I had a good time and the SRA training was more clear. To see that the Desteni members were actually busy with the projects they were working on, which I only had been hearing about through the computer made it more real. Bernard called us together to introduce the power of ten income plan, a multi level marketing idea to built an income through selling the Desteni education as life coaches.  When I was back home, I had one week of: what am I doing here? And after this week I felt that I could fall, I picked myself up in the moment and continued my self application as I used to do.

"You are living in a dream of your own creation. Let it be the dream of a lifetime, for that is exactly what it is." by  Neale Donald Walsch

 when will we wake up then? And, if this isn't real, what is? I agree that we live in a picture world because of the mind and therefor we don't see the physical reality direct. But the physical is pretty real . I have physical needs and I cannot say it is a dream, the needs are real. My actions have real consequences that others can experience.

It does suggest that we wake up in the afterlife. I say lets wake up here, before it's too late. It also suggests that we always can say: it is only a dream, which makes us not take responsibility for what is here. We are illusionary personalities, that's like a dream reality, not real. But if we all accept our not-realness as that's how it is and 'live the dream of a life time', we miss the reality of the physical world, so what are we doing here in a real reality as unreal beings? I say lets see if we can 'awaken' here and realize ourselves for real, meaning becoming a real part of the physical reality.

We all want a happy lucky dream of course, and the statement suggests we go for it. But how can we be so with all the dramatic events all around us? Must we say: it's just a dream, and do nothing?

We can clearly see that our not-realness creates disasters in the reality here. Because living a dream in a real world will never fit and will in fact harm/disturb/destroy.

I cannot see the afterlife, I only see what is here, so I want to be here and find out how to get here as real as the reality here, and how to live here in oneness and equality, which are the principles of the here.

relationship

suddenly, while I was working at my girlfriend's place, I asked myself what am I doing this for. I felt a lack in commitment.
late in the evening we had a conversation, we saw that she is holding back 'because there's always the possibility of you leaving me alone". I said I reckon this is for the rest of my life, so we aren't equally standing in this.
During the next day, while she was gone for work, I felt some anger, and I said to myself this cannot go on as it is. I either quit or I walk this point.
When she had returned home we had a conversation about herself, she said I want to be satisfied with myself. I pointed out that one can be satisfied with one's expression but not with oneself, because self is self. She said she doubted even herself.
I said you need to create a stable self then. I said, you speak a lot in funny voices lately. When you do so, you abdicate your self to the mind. You need to stop it because when you need to be yourself in a moment, you'll have difficulties finding yourself.
I'm satisfied with my self application here, lol

beer

At my girlfriend's street, a neighborhood's barbecue was held. A tradition of 9 years, once in a year at someone's place and for the first time it was in my girlfriend's garden. So I sat their and quite some alcohol was being consumed, everyone having a good time. At some point I decided to have a beer, I had hesitated because I wasn't looking forward to feeling tipsy, I hadn't had any alcohol for like 1 year and 1/2 or maybe 2 years, so I wasn't used to it at all. I just would like to enjoy the taste of it.
I had a beer, It tasted well, and to my surprise there wasn't any alcohol effect what so ever. So cool!

Equal through substance by Bernard Poolman

Why the Law of Karma did not Exist

sadism

the big dog of my gf died. We had to let the vet do it. The dog had a lot of pain and he couldn't walk much anymore. So on a beautiful morning this week, he was injected, lying in the grass and now he's no longer here as this nice yellow/brown/black dog. My girlfriend was really emotional in the days before his death, I supported her by just being here, listening to her, doing practical stuff. And afterwards we felt relief, because he no longer was in pain and she no longer needed to worry about him. 
When I was back home I suffered from pain in my stomach and that means there is sorrow I didn't feel/experience but suppressed instead. I found that I had at some point in my life installed sadism to no longer suffer from all the painful things that I saw and felt but instead 'enjoy' it. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed sadism, I stop this and I breath when I notice this sadism. It's not real and it has no power over me.

Talk 1: Lilly and Malin - Self-Agreement and Self-Process

the Law Of Attraction and Equal Money

Within the Law of Attraction, people who apply it state: everyone can do it! This is just an excuse to not have to look at the reality as it exists for billions of people: poverty. They now can ignore and deny that it is the monetary system they participate in that causes massive suffering. The elite status they create for themselves is justified because if one hasn't achieved this status, one simply has a way to go with the LOA. Really strange is to see that no user of the LOA has ever succeeded in attracting wealth for everyone on the planet.... Does this show that they are only interested in selfish attraction? Or is something more fundamental missed here? There is another law in existence which is disregarded: the law of balance. What we have in mind is we create. If we have in mind lack of wealth and we start applying the LOA to attract wealth, which supposedly is given to us by the universe out of it's abundance, we forget that we have lack of wealth in mind in the first place. So all the time we focus on attracting wealth we have in the back of our mind the lack there of. The consequence is that we not only create wealth in so doing but lack of wealth as well. So what we do applying the LOA is creating and enhancing the polarity in the world, the division between wealth and poverty. This is exactly what's busy manifesting in the world. Two separate mankinds, where the one smaller group lives in abundance and the other larger group lives in lack of everything.

The solution of Equal Money is hard to grasp for both groups. The poor have the secret dream of one day making it to the other group and leaving the poverty behind. As soon as the leave their poor environment they want to enjoy consumerism and to forget the misery. The common belief is that one has to be fortunate to get to wealth. The wealthy people don't like the Equal Money solution because they fear losing their position where they are provided with anything they want by the poorer people that do the labor.

What is missed in the poor people's perspective is that we have a monetary system that is set up in a way to keep many people poor for the wealth of others. So their poverty isn't bad luck, or their own fault. And the wealthy group indulge in luxury to not have to experience their underlying fear of losing their money. So both groups are very busy, with surviving the poor ones and the other group with keeping up with the world system to avoid falling behind and losing their position.

Desteni-Youtube, Shut Down

Product Control, Distribution and Capitalism

gone in energy

t'day I was at my rc plane club. In the morning I thought to myself: o I'm going to the club in the afternoon, I must make sure that I won't experience an energetic high.
When I had arrived I was working on a plane of mine gluing stuff, and I experienced a lot of anxiety: this had to be fixed as soon as possible, so I could show of to the other members. I noticed my breath for really shallow, I didn't stop myself.
When it was finished I decided to test fly. After 5 seconds or so the thing crashed and I had to start over with glueing, lol. I was quite stable in this and I decided to fix it. Then only I realized myself, wondering: where had I been? I had been 'away'. The thought that came up was that Bernard and Sunette had kept me locked away from reality! So a very strange projection, when I had been locked away in my mind as energies by my own allowance!

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that Bernard and Sunette kept me locked away from reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I allowed myself to be gone in an energetic experience in the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stop

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I within the thought: "I must make sure that I won't experience an energetic high" already gave permission for it to manifest. Because I didn't make sure in fact.

I understand that I must make sure in fact that I won't participate in an energetic experience at the club and not just think I must.

Desteni I Process

The Secret of Oz - Winner, Best Docu of 2010 v.1.09.11

Masters of Time and Cycles

thank you Desteni

yesterday I was at my club where a 'Fly in' was going on. The members of the club were showing of there rc planes as were some visitors from other clubs. And a lot of people from the nearby villages had come to watch, enjoy the weather and have a consumption.

I was taking care of a few things in my role of groundsman and as I look back I see that I have been moving myself through this event with little reactions to just a few people, watching these reactions and making myself one and equal, standing up from them and stopping myself as such.

In this way I moved myself through this day and when I had left nothing sticked to me. I was stable and cool. My son had joined me there and I didn't feel obliged to stick with him all the time, we discussed some things, we did some minor 'jobs' and sometimes we were on our own.

Today I realize that thanks to Desteni and my participation there in, I have changed myself for real. I'm satisfied with my stability and my self application. No mind possession as anxiety or fear or laziness, alert on what's going on in the inner and the outer, acting when and where it's needed. Yes Desteni, we are the change that we want to see in the world

Magic Mushrooms and the Desteni Music Jamm-O- join the FUN

Evidence that the Portal is Real and that the Message through the Portal...

agreement update

This weekend when I stayed at my girlfriend's, we discussed the possibility of adding another day to our time together. We meet each other for almost three years now, nearly every weekend. I'm pretty stable in the agreement, and I enjoy the time spend at her place with the large garden and the dogs and horses, always work that can be done. Shaping the garden, repairing stuff, finding better solutions. 

I enjoy walking with her in her process, assisting and supporting where I can. 

I'm facing survival fears a lot these days. Mostly when I am with other people I get these fears. Even now while I am skyping with my son. I self forgave points and breathed through points, still not done yet.

my girlfriend's new dog, called 'Haifa', a one year old, barks quite a lot, and my gf was worried for the neighbors to complain. When I was in the garden with the dogs, I thought: this is Haifa, for everyone to hear, she lives here and she's going to stay! The next moment she came to me and licked my face. 

With my gf we looked into her fears and she self forgave. 

Another day I discussed with my gf's mother the discussion in the Netherlands about animal slaughter for religious purpose. I said: a lot of people now ask for attention to not only the death of animals but also for their lives in the animal 'factories'. The next moment Haifa came to me and stood up to me with her front legs on my chest. She had never done this before. 

The fear of survival is everywhere, I even hear it in songs on the radio. Everyone is driven by this fear because their lives aren't secured. Only within the Equal Money System we can make sure everyone that participates gets the money guaranteed for life. life money, instead of debt money.

Lesotho kingdom pyramid scheme collapse

I am my Brother's Keeper

Sarkozy grabbed by conspiracy believer acting as love police

Anonymous is a terrorist organization or group

Visiting a psychic artist with the portal

Making the Ant Story Practical

Multiple Layers of Mind

Multiple Layers of Mind

Desteni haters

as you've noticed or even are taking part yourself, we are producing a series of videos called 'AntiHate', in which we address the content of Desteni haters' videos. Some things I noticed in their vids:

The haters don't present solutions to the world problems themselves. They are mere reacting to and are rejecting the Desteni solutions. That's quite fascinating because with common sense it's easy to see how our solutions support Life. So they our material sets of a chain reaction in their mind and they submit to this stream of thoughts and emotions and they express it in a video. They are in fact presenting themselves as slaves to their minds.  And we see/hear the nature of the mind as hateful, deceptive, judging, accusing, manipulating

They don't investigate much so they misinterpret what we are busy with and what we stand for and as. They call it their own names and they then criticize and hate their interpretation of what we do and are. Believing that they hate Desteni

In case one does some investigation, the terms they find they use in a different way, out of context and they make up their own meaning of the words we use.They more or less describe Desteni as a unreliable scam of some sort, while in fact they themselves due to their poor research are unreliable as source of information and a scam as desteni critics.

In case they don't understand an aspect of Desteni they take it as something suspicious, while in fact it's their own suspicion towards Desteni that they describe, They don't describe Desteni in fact because they don't understand it.

They try and manipulate the viewers' opinion on Desteni by these different 'techniques', and so they are in fact brainwashing their viewers, while they are accusing Desteni of being a brainwashing cult and warning others to don't listen to Desteni.

Self-Writing to Freedom - Anton: Is the Bible Holy? Is the Quran Holy? Or it's time...

Self-Writing to Freedom - Anton: Is the Bible Holy? Is the Quran Holy? Or it's time...: "They say never judge a book by its cover, so I am not going to do that to these holy of holy books. I simply want to examine just how holy a..."

And God Created NIKE

Dimensional Shifts The Conscious Mind Design

Atheists! Create heaven!

Equal Money System is such a cool group!

Equal Money System is such a cool group!

cold and survival, good and bad

As a child, my mother was always really worried about me catching a cold/the flue. So when ever there was some cold air flowing around us, or before leaving home, she would dress me up with extra attributes and over and over again she would warn me for the cold. So I found in myself fear of survival connected to the feeling of coldness on my body, or the expected feeling there of.
From this I developed the opinion that people who live in a cold area are stupid to do so. Realizing that in the Netherlands where I live we have low temperatures during several months per year, I feared living here and I would give up on myself for not moving out to some other country where the weather supports my body with the appropriate temperature.
Another point of survival was connected because my mother had a job and she would have trouble taking care of me when I would have to stay home in bed. Which would bring yet more danger: the other family members might get sick as well.
I forgave myself and for the first time I start to enjoy low weather temperature. Will see how this goes in winter...

So here the perception was created that there is the normal order where everyone goes to work or to school and sickness is the disruption of the order, is abnormal. Work& school is good, sickness is bad. I enjoyed being sick though because I like to be at home rather than be in school and I enjoyed the special attention/care from my  mother. because during regular life I felt I had to fit in this machine like/clock work like order, being pushed by my mother to hurry up to be on time.
Therefor I began to see myself as a bad/naughty person because I liked being sick. Later on as an adult, I stopped participating in college and job life, and became a bad person, doing drugs, joining sub culture, practicing occultism.

As we see thanks to Desteni, that participating in normal/good way of life is supporting the abusive economic system, the perceived good way of life isn't good at all. The system in it's totality with all sub systems was never good, meaning beneficial to life, plants, animals, our own bodies, the water, the air, Earth.

Later on I tried to turn myself into a good person by becoming a Christian and after that a light worker. Until I finally found Desteni (or had Desteni found me?) which brought realism: good doesn't exist yet. We've got to stop ourselves first as how/who we exist as and re-create ourselves as worthy of Life. And we have to write and talk and vlog to put ourselves out in the world to change the system.

I'm sorry salamander

during a chat with you all, I went to let the cat out and when I stroke her to say goodbye, I noticed this little lizard like creature sitting for my door. It didn't move at all and had it's mouth open. I wondered, is it a lizard or a, what we call 'salamander' that lives in the water. I had never before seen either of these here. I didn't know what to do else then keeping the cat away from it and I went back inside to continue the chat. Later on I looked and it was gone. 
The next day I found out that the neighbors were changing their pool they have in the garden. And I realized that it had been this water loving being longing for water. Because we have extreme drought here. I felt sorry for it that I hadn't understood it's question: put me in the water please!

fear at night

every now and then I wake up in the night and I feel fear. Important to not fear the fear, instead I start looking into the fear to get the information: what is it about? Mostly a point will come up which I missed during the day time, meaning, I had a fear during the day in a situation and I suppressed the fear, I tried to ignore it, instead of forgiving myself to fear.
So I bring the fear point before me in the night until I see it completely and then I forgive myself. And then I fall asleep :)

fear<=>anger

to exist in and as fear had become normal for me, the way to escape was anger. But then I feared that others would become even more angry than myself as a reaction, so I suppressed my anger. I saw that I existed in the polarity: fear versus anger. I forgave myself, and I watched myself in the rest of the day. The existence in and as fear became really clear after this, and I was able to stop myself as such. Later on the day I felt myself as I remembered myself from childhood, where I completely surrender to my Earthly existence.

birthday

I was enjoying a coffee and the others, my mum, my dad and my sister were enjoying ice creams. It was my birthday, Also present was a woman that came to live at my sister's to help with horses and such. At some point in the conversation I told this woman: as a child I used to fear my mum. I noticed my mother immediately hiding in her secret mind. I continued to explain the consequences, as I wrote down in the thread before. No one spoke. I finished explaining my insights and I told her that I wasn't lost in the pattern anymore. We continued enjoying our consumptions. 
I didn't feel any emotion or feeling and I remembered only later at home, at night this event.

In another moment I told her that we are investigating the Equal Money solution and she listened carefully. I noticed that my sister hided in her secret mind during my explanation, she always avoids to speak on this subject. She isn't willing to listen to what I have to say about it or Desteni. I have to speak in such a way that I 'invite' her to speak common sense. That's the way to go with my sister.

mother, girlfriend

From there I had come to believe that I pleased my mum when I was in fear.
Another aspect was that I developed the belief that I needed this energy to become something/someone, however it never became fully clear to me what I 
I now lived between failure and success:
I lived as failure to have my mum irritated/angry which would generate fear in my body, and this energy I needed to create myself as successful. 

So when I found this all and self-forgave, a relief came: I don't have to become something/someone through energy.

Towards my girlfriend I find fulfillment in being her servant/slave/assistant/supporter. As Bernard said about men and women. 
I found a flaw in myself where I would do something for her and then I felt uncertainty: did I do it in the right way or not... and I lost my self-directedness, so I corrected this. And I checked my starting point and I established absolute self-trust.

Still when she was about to arrive at home from work, I noticed the fearing programming started up and I couldn't breath properly, so I need to learn to stop the pattern.

fear of mother

I had allowed myself as a child to generate fear in my body as a reaction to the voice and words and behavior of my mum. I found that I am addicted to this energetic high 'in my blood'. And I applied it when I'm with my girlfriend, that's how I became aware of the pattern this morning. I would even invoke the thrill by behaving myself in a way I knew would set my mother off in a anger/irritation. I even learned to create the high whenever I wanted, it became a 'way of life', it would make me feel 'alive', as if I was getting somewhere, engaged, involved.
I'm stopping this.
Esp the thought that what I do will not match her expectations, generates energy.

a short dream

just before I woke up I had a short dream. My mother had come up with a plan for me to meet a person and she had asked me to go see him. When the time had come I didn't go there. My mother was disappointed in me.

When I woke up I realized the emotional blackmail/manipulation I had allowed myself to be victim to in my youth. Where my mother would come up with plans for me that I wouldn't have come up with myself. And when I didn't adhere to the plan she would be disappointed in me and I would feel guilty and later on desperate for me being unable to fulfill her wishes/desires/will.

Then I would curse myself and reject myself and judge myself as incompetent.

I forgave myself and I stated; I am not here to fulfill the wishes/desires/will of my mother. She chose her role and she is responsible for the emotional consequences when she doesn't see her wishes/desires/will fulfilled, because she doesn't see/treat me equal and one and therefore she tries to get her  fulfillment through emotional blackmail and manipulation.

 In doing so I realized that exactly the same reactive pattern applied to 'God'. Within his impossible demands and desires and will. So I self-forgave this as well. And I stated: I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the demands/wishes/desires/will of 'God'. He chose his role by himself, and he is responsible for the emotional consequences when his demands/wishes/desires/will aren't fulfilled, because he refuses to see/treat me equal and one.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not fulfilling the demands/expectations/wishes/desires/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not fulfilling the demands/expectations/wishes/desires/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the wishes/desire/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the wishes/desire/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate because of this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent because of this

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to curse myself because of this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to reject my existence because of this 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and destroy my life because of this 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand up and state that I'm not here to fulfill the demands/wishes/desires/expectations/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand up and state that I'm not here to fulfill the demands/wishes/desires/expectations/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that the role of 'mother' isn't real. I stand and breath through the play out of this role. I stand and breath and forgive myself the reactive pattern to this role.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that the role of 'God' isn't real. I stand and breath through the play out of this role and I forgive myself the reactive pattern to this role.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I created the mother-role in my imagination, and my son-role as well. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I created the God-role in my imagination, and my child-of-God-role as well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project these 'mother' and 'sun' roles onto my physical mother and onto my physical 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project these 'God' and 'child-of-god' roles onto the universe and my physical.

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagination about these roles to be real.

I am here, breathing, physically here. I am equal to and one with every physical thing here.