I'm sorry salamander

during a chat with you all, I went to let the cat out and when I stroke her to say goodbye, I noticed this little lizard like creature sitting for my door. It didn't move at all and had it's mouth open. I wondered, is it a lizard or a, what we call 'salamander' that lives in the water. I had never before seen either of these here. I didn't know what to do else then keeping the cat away from it and I went back inside to continue the chat. Later on I looked and it was gone. 
The next day I found out that the neighbors were changing their pool they have in the garden. And I realized that it had been this water loving being longing for water. Because we have extreme drought here. I felt sorry for it that I hadn't understood it's question: put me in the water please!

fear at night

every now and then I wake up in the night and I feel fear. Important to not fear the fear, instead I start looking into the fear to get the information: what is it about? Mostly a point will come up which I missed during the day time, meaning, I had a fear during the day in a situation and I suppressed the fear, I tried to ignore it, instead of forgiving myself to fear.
So I bring the fear point before me in the night until I see it completely and then I forgive myself. And then I fall asleep :)

fear<=>anger

to exist in and as fear had become normal for me, the way to escape was anger. But then I feared that others would become even more angry than myself as a reaction, so I suppressed my anger. I saw that I existed in the polarity: fear versus anger. I forgave myself, and I watched myself in the rest of the day. The existence in and as fear became really clear after this, and I was able to stop myself as such. Later on the day I felt myself as I remembered myself from childhood, where I completely surrender to my Earthly existence.

birthday

I was enjoying a coffee and the others, my mum, my dad and my sister were enjoying ice creams. It was my birthday, Also present was a woman that came to live at my sister's to help with horses and such. At some point in the conversation I told this woman: as a child I used to fear my mum. I noticed my mother immediately hiding in her secret mind. I continued to explain the consequences, as I wrote down in the thread before. No one spoke. I finished explaining my insights and I told her that I wasn't lost in the pattern anymore. We continued enjoying our consumptions. 
I didn't feel any emotion or feeling and I remembered only later at home, at night this event.

In another moment I told her that we are investigating the Equal Money solution and she listened carefully. I noticed that my sister hided in her secret mind during my explanation, she always avoids to speak on this subject. She isn't willing to listen to what I have to say about it or Desteni. I have to speak in such a way that I 'invite' her to speak common sense. That's the way to go with my sister.

mother, girlfriend

From there I had come to believe that I pleased my mum when I was in fear.
Another aspect was that I developed the belief that I needed this energy to become something/someone, however it never became fully clear to me what I 
I now lived between failure and success:
I lived as failure to have my mum irritated/angry which would generate fear in my body, and this energy I needed to create myself as successful. 

So when I found this all and self-forgave, a relief came: I don't have to become something/someone through energy.

Towards my girlfriend I find fulfillment in being her servant/slave/assistant/supporter. As Bernard said about men and women. 
I found a flaw in myself where I would do something for her and then I felt uncertainty: did I do it in the right way or not... and I lost my self-directedness, so I corrected this. And I checked my starting point and I established absolute self-trust.

Still when she was about to arrive at home from work, I noticed the fearing programming started up and I couldn't breath properly, so I need to learn to stop the pattern.

fear of mother

I had allowed myself as a child to generate fear in my body as a reaction to the voice and words and behavior of my mum. I found that I am addicted to this energetic high 'in my blood'. And I applied it when I'm with my girlfriend, that's how I became aware of the pattern this morning. I would even invoke the thrill by behaving myself in a way I knew would set my mother off in a anger/irritation. I even learned to create the high whenever I wanted, it became a 'way of life', it would make me feel 'alive', as if I was getting somewhere, engaged, involved.
I'm stopping this.
Esp the thought that what I do will not match her expectations, generates energy.

a short dream

just before I woke up I had a short dream. My mother had come up with a plan for me to meet a person and she had asked me to go see him. When the time had come I didn't go there. My mother was disappointed in me.

When I woke up I realized the emotional blackmail/manipulation I had allowed myself to be victim to in my youth. Where my mother would come up with plans for me that I wouldn't have come up with myself. And when I didn't adhere to the plan she would be disappointed in me and I would feel guilty and later on desperate for me being unable to fulfill her wishes/desires/will.

Then I would curse myself and reject myself and judge myself as incompetent.

I forgave myself and I stated; I am not here to fulfill the wishes/desires/will of my mother. She chose her role and she is responsible for the emotional consequences when she doesn't see her wishes/desires/will fulfilled, because she doesn't see/treat me equal and one and therefore she tries to get her  fulfillment through emotional blackmail and manipulation.

 In doing so I realized that exactly the same reactive pattern applied to 'God'. Within his impossible demands and desires and will. So I self-forgave this as well. And I stated: I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the demands/wishes/desires/will of 'God'. He chose his role by himself, and he is responsible for the emotional consequences when his demands/wishes/desires/will aren't fulfilled, because he refuses to see/treat me equal and one.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not fulfilling the demands/expectations/wishes/desires/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not fulfilling the demands/expectations/wishes/desires/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the wishes/desire/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that I'm not responsible for the fulfillment of the wishes/desire/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate because of this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel incompetent because of this

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to curse myself because of this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to reject my existence because of this 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and destroy my life because of this 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand up and state that I'm not here to fulfill the demands/wishes/desires/expectations/will of my mother.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand up and state that I'm not here to fulfill the demands/wishes/desires/expectations/will of 'God'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that the role of 'mother' isn't real. I stand and breath through the play out of this role. I stand and breath and forgive myself the reactive pattern to this role.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that the role of 'God' isn't real. I stand and breath through the play out of this role and I forgive myself the reactive pattern to this role.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I created the mother-role in my imagination, and my son-role as well. 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I created the God-role in my imagination, and my child-of-God-role as well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project these 'mother' and 'sun' roles onto my physical mother and onto my physical 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project these 'God' and 'child-of-god' roles onto the universe and my physical.

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagination about these roles to be real.

I am here, breathing, physically here. I am equal to and one with every physical thing here. 

meeting a woman and back chat

At my sister's horse farm, a woman came to stay for about one year. I met her there and a pattern started up in which I was trying to see her as a new partner for sex. I noticed that I started to imagine what I would look like and I adjusted my body movements to make a good impression. I stopped this immediately.
I felt in myself the desire to just fall in love and to surrender to this. I stopped it.
I felt I wouldn't be able to resist her when she would make a move towards me. I stopped it.
I felt an excitement when I, being at home, imagined going to my sister's, because I would meet her again. I stopped it.
I still felt pain in my left shoulder/upper part of my back, so I wasn't ready yet.
I found that I had a indecisiveness towards her placed in the future, I corrected this.
So I'm confident that I handle myself well in this back chat uproar.

preparing myself for eternal life

hi,
this morning I again watched myself go into thinking thoughts and again wondering what's the urge. I found: I am preparing myself for eternal life. Realizing that my body is finite, I try and construct a reality/identity through thinking, adding thoughts to existing thoughts, expanding. To have a alternate reality for when the body isn't here anymore for me to have an existence. So I would then be able to live in what I have constructed myself during my life time.
I stop this process of creating an alternate reality.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think as a life insurance
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize breath as life.

Training your Water to Find 11:11

Water is the Liquid Spirit of Life