2012 - Love Month - Is Love Abuse?

enslaved to the energy created by judgment

Hi,

this weekend and the last one I didn’t meet with my girlfriend. Suddenly I felt that I stepped out of a personality suit. I stretched my shoulders that had been narrowed and some time later I realized that I had been enslaved to the energy that I would create from her judgement of me. Be it positive to generate a feeling of comfort, wealth, like a place in heaven lol, or negative where I would feel anxiety, thrill like in a horror movie, a place in hell so to speak lol.

This is an acceptance and allowance I have from a young age where I experienced the same when my mother would express her judgment as a way to try and educate me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the generation of energies by judgment
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have enslaved myself to the experience of these energies to feel connected
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship with my girlfriend based on these experiences

When and as I see myself participating in generating energies from judgment, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am creating an mind's reality, that I separate myself from the physical reality that is real.
When and as I see myself enslave myself to the experiences of these energies, I stop I breathe. I realize that I don't need these energies to have the experience of being connected
When and as I see myself creating a relationship with my girlfriend based on these experiences, I stop, Im breathe. I realize that if she has a judgement that's something for her to look into.

Cruelty and Happiness

Cruelty goes unnoticed in our society. We see nice boxes with nice products nicely advertised. Sold to us in nice shops by nice people and we are nice people as well. So where is the cruelty within this? You might ask. It goes unnoticed but it is everywhere. It is cleverly hidden. We can ignore it and that makes us feel good. We are in fact glad that the suffering is not ours and we want to keep it that way. And who ever mentions it is an activist. Normal people don’t do that. The deliberate ignorance of cruelty, which is cruel in itself, is the norm. We have to participate in this cruel deliberate ignorance, if we don’t we risk losing our job, our income, our life. Same goes for partner, family, friends. Our church, our club, our community. I have been cruel from a young age, where I would hit my younger sister ‘for fun’. Our parents didn’t stop it, obviously, because we cannot stop what we don’t see, and we don’t see what we ignore. Later on I would apply electricity to little worms, out of ‘scientific curiosity’, here we have a common way of hiding cruelty: science. I would also apply cruelty to pets and to other people, kicking them and hitting them. And lately I noticed in myself cruelty towards people that are poor, where I felt that I want to keep them poor and suffering to make sure that they aren’t able to take away my wealth. So my happiness of enjoying our wealth as participant in this wealthy society of The Netherlands of deliberate ignorance of animal testing, destruction of rain forests, pollution of oceans, atmosphere, ground water, animal extinction (genocide), wars for profit, poverty for profit, too much to name it all here, is the happiness of enjoying our common deliberate ignorance of cruelty, it’s the happiness of being cruel, of standing on the ‘good’ end of the polarity where I can laugh because others suffer.

Job training

Today I was at a meeting, an introduction to a training to find a job. I didn’t ask for it, i am obliged to do it and if I don’t some of my social grant will be taken away or even stopped completely, so I am at the meeting under a death threat.
In the days before I had been looking forward to meet new people and to see what it was all about. The effect was however that I felt that I let myself be more absorbed by ‘the matrix’, to the extend where I considered giving in to everything the matrix has to offer in terms of entertainment and experiences.
To night I had seen the efforts of the mind as myself to keep myself occupied and then I decided enough is enough. I stop, I breathe. I direct myself.

My son is Chinese

My son is Chinese
About one year before the conception, I was walking down the street and I looked into a emotion I had felt for some time, something was bothering me, making me feel not free to choose what I wanted to do in the near future. I saw it was a unknown Chinese person. I wondered if it was me in a past life, I didn’t figure it out. Within the months that followed, each time I had intercourse with my wife, I had visions of a Chinese interior, a Chinese bedroom, and I saw her and myself as Chinese persons. When my son was born, we went to see a clairvoyant, a lady that also applied homoeopathy, and she said: have a good look at your son: he’s Chinese. So I took this as a confirmation. And after this when I saw him asleep, I saw a Chinese aura around his head.

I started believing that he had wanted to be born in China, but due to abortion in the context of the one child policy, he had chosen to be born here. I felt sad that he wouldn’t be able to meet the people he would have like to meet in his life time and I imagined that he would feel not at home in Holland and wouldn’t be able to find friends here.
One night I saw in myself the face of a young Chinese woman and a young Chinese man. I assumed that this were a sister and a brother of his. The face of the woman was not moving and I assumed that she had died already. Later on I felt I made contact with the Chinese parents that my son would have had, and I felt that they gave me their energy that they would have spend on his upbringing.
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Nothing of all of this was in any way relevant to the reality of day to day living, it existed in my imagination only: the emotion that something didn’t match, that something wasn’t right. The fact that I wasn’t able to take care of my son is what should have bothered me, but the emotion was directed to the imagination and therefor I wasn’t bothered by my abusive behavior and I didn’t realize I had to take action to intervene and stop and change.

How I hated my son.

How I hated my son. Before my son was born, before the conception, I sensed that a child wanted to be born. Call it intuition. In the middle of the sexual intercourse, I felt a question was asked: will you or won’t you have a child? I decided to say: yes. Just for the sake of having something happening instead of nothing happening. And yes, the pregnancy started. After a few months, I still had no idea as to what should be done to prepare for the child to come. Understand that I was extremely in the mist in myself. I had virtually no ability to be responsible for something. I had no idea about myself in terms of career, ambition. I had a hard time finishing even the simplest of tasks. I had had no experience with babies what so ever. So when birth was coming closer i did nothing, I thought we would improvise things when the time had come. My wife at that time started becoming nervous and she started telling me what we needed to to do as preparations. I didn’t like that. We didn’t have much money so I had to make a lot of stuff myself. I wasn’t able to put myself to it so she had to ask me all the time if I was working on things, telling me to get it done. A irritation was growing in myself, that my easy life with less responsibilities was taken away from me. And my wife’s body was no longer there for my pleasure, but it was all for the baby. I had to meet people who were involved in child birth, I had to digest a lot of information, I had to learn new skills, like a special breathing method together with her. All very disturbing. We even needed to move to another place where I didn’t feel at home at all. And when the house was just finished, which didn’t feel like home yet, my son was born. I felt something for him call it love, for just under a minute, and never again after that. A young woman came to help for a few hours a day during like 10 days. She would basically ignore me, like I shouldn’t be there. The whole house smelled of a baby and I felt even less home then before. I regarded the birth of my son like when one day a person is placed in your house, who cannot speak, cannot take care of his own hygiene, cannot feed himself, who cannot walk like someone totally handicapped in a wheel chair. It was just too much for me. Nevertheless I decided to be a ‘natural father’, meaning a father that helps and does tasks and takes care. I figured that everyone would like me that way and that I would like myself too. I didn’t have a job at that time. I learned to change diapers. But in changing his diapers, he would suddenly kick me with his legs. I guessed he was trying to hurt me and to make life difficult. In revenge I pushed him hard in his belly when I closed the diapers. Much later I found that babies kick their legs because they cannot control them. So it had nothing to do with me. Apart from breastfeeding he got special made ‘milk’ from a bottle. I gave it to him, but every now and then he would just not drink but play around a bit, turning his head away, pushing with his tongue and that got me angry. I would force the rubber into his mouth and press the rubber to inject the fluid into his throat to make him swallow. Of course he would then start coughing at some point, which made me even more angry. I would kind of toss him in his cradle and cover him roughly. Or when I would walk around with him, he would move himself, so I had to keep him from falling all the time, which would irritate me and then I would let him drop only making sure he wouldn’t hit the ground. Later on my wife decided that he could eat bread. I was to give it to him. I made the bread I cut it in pieces and put it in his mouth. He then pushed it out of his mouth, or just left it in there. That got me angry. I waited till I was extremely angry and then I would hit him on his head. It didn’t help of course. The problem was just bigger because he was now crying as well. After like two weeks we went to see the doctor for regular check up and I said he doesn’t take bread, should we return to bottle feeding, he said yes and so that problem was solved. When I had hurt him and he would cry, my wife would ask what had happened and I would tell the event in a way that my son was to blame or that I had hurt him by accident. When she would plan for us to go out and have a walk, suggesting that we would have a happy time, I would find a way to get mad and have trouble with my son, depicting him as the trouble maker, spoiling the good times we were going to have. My wife then would restore the peace in the family. Feeling irritation, exerting anger in hitting and letting him hurt himself, hating him, manipulating situations for my wife in favor of myself, it was everyday living. live=evil. I wasn’t able to change myself and since my wife had a lot of troubles as well, we had to give him to other parents to take care of him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Later on in life I was able to change myself and my son wasn’t hating me for what I had done to him, and so we were able to speak what ever needed to be spoken and have a cool communication and we still have ever since. I posted this with his consent.

2012 Is positivity what’s best for all?

2012 Is positivity what’s best for all? To do what’s best for all requires a in dept understanding of reality. Reality as we have it here isn’t cool, there’s a lot of abuse and deception going on. This is where we start: acknowledging that there’s a lot that needs correction. If we try and make this positive, we have to come up with thought constructs like: everything if perfectly in order, what we see is the illusion, we need to stay in constant meditation (to not get upset about what’s going on in reality), people grow through suffering, we all have been a child dying of starvation in another life, it’s all in God’s hand. These type of ‘solutions’ only solve something in the mind of the person, temporarily, it doesn’t really solve any thing. Anxiety, irritation, even hate and spitefulness are seeping through the positivity or simply burst out in a moment, uncontrollable. In the mean time things worsen. So no, this mental positivity isn’t what’s best for all. It offers no practical solutions. Practical positivity we find in charity. doing things for poor people, for instance, building a few homes, donating money, organizing a dinner for well to do people who pay big money to join the dinner, which will be a donation. All charity leaves the current system as it is, meaning that the cause of the poverty isn’t taken away, which means that charity will never be able to put an end to the problems we face. So practical positivity isn’t what’s best for all either. We need to take on the root cause which is the monetary system that stimulates abuse and deception, and all other systems that depend on it we will be able to change accordingly. Money must support life, not the other way round. Through and within the Equal Money System we do just that. So the Equal Money System would be what’s best for all, for all life, because that’s what we design it for. We use the mental to think it over, to as precisely as possible design solutions, system changes, using what is here in another way, to grant everyone a life worth of living. And we take practical steps like studying what is here, investigating how everything works, how did it came to be this way, harmful, insufficient, not effective. And we (will) stand as politicians, scientists, lawyers, artists, teachers, etc etc. in a way that we support and express life here.

2012 Is positivity what’s best for all?

2012 Is positivity what’s best for all? To do what’s best for all requires a in dept understanding of reality. Reality as we have it here isn’t cool, there’s a lot of abuse and deception going on. This is where we start: acknowledging that there’s a lot that needs correction. If we try and make this positive, we have to come up with thought constructs like: everything if perfectly in order, what we see is the illusion, we need to stay in constant meditation (to not get upset about what’s going on in reality), people grow through suffering, we all have been a child dying of starvation in another life, it’s all in God’s hand. These type of ‘solution’ only solve something in the mind of the person, temporarily, it doesn’t really solve any thing. Anxiety, irritation, even hate and spitefulness are seeping through the positivity or simply burst out in a moment, uncontrollable. In the mean time things worsen. So no, this mental positivity isn’t what’s best for all. It offers no practical solutions. Practical positivity we find in charity. doing things for poor people, for instance, building a few homes, donating money, organizing a dinner for well to do people who pay big money to join the dinner. All charity leaves the current system as it is, meaning that the cause of the poverty isn’t taken away, which means that charity will never be able to put an end to the problems we face. So practical positivity isn’t what’s best for all either. We need to take on the root cause which is the monetary system that stimulates abuse and deception, and all other systems that depend on it we will change accordingly. Money must support life, not the other way round. Through and within the Equal Money System we do just that. So the Equal Money System would be what’s best for all, for all life, because that’s what we design it for. We use the mental to think it over, to as precisely as possible design solutions, system changes, using what is here in another way, to grant everyone a life worth of living. And we take practical steps like studying what is here, investigating how everything works, how did it came to be this way, harmful, insufficient, not effective. And we (will) stand as politicians, scientists, lawyers, artists, teachers, etc etc. in a way that we support life here.

2012 - Everything is okay.

A 'spiritual teacher' said: 'if you say everything is okay and you include everyone, then it is a holographic statement and it is true and if you see every one as a spiritual being, your life changes immediately.' What the fuck! That's easy! This happens only in the mind, because saying that everything is okay doesn't make everything okay! There still is a lot of abuse going on, to name one thing. And to see everyone as a spiritual being is the denial of what is here as the ugly truth, more people in poverty every year, for instance. I myself once stated that it doesn't matter if the bricks that form a house are actually forming a house or lying around due to a bombardment, the physical remains the physical. I disregarded the fact that our bodies need housing for protection, and we can use bricks that form a house for shelter, but when they are all over the place we cannot protect our bodies. Duh. Within Spirituality we try to make this reality okay by changing our perception of it. And of course we want to make it right because we don't like the negative feelings we experience from what we see in the world/humanity. We feel we cannot make a change for real, so we come up with a trick: we change our perception. We believe that every one is a spiritual being for instance. And that life is just a dream. And in an instant we have a totally different experience of reality. Reality itself hasn't changed a bit though. This only proves the 'power of the mind' which enables us to experience things separate from reality, in a mind dimension. It's a selfish solution, it only benefits self as in having a good feeling, feeling special, believing to help humanity/the world by this higher consciousness. The mind is where we fuck up. We need to firstly find out how we 'work' as mind, how do we create illusions, how do we stop it, how do we change ourselves for real. We need to get educated about ourselves, we never learned it at school. Suggest to check Desteni.org for a change!

2012 - Go Green! We have this nagging feeling about our reality that something is definately not right. We don’t seem to be able to solve our problems, not on a personal level nor globally. We keep repeating ourselves. Even with all our technological progression, we remain abusive narrow minded. We send people into outer space, but we don’t find a solution for the ever increasing poverty on the planet. All universities in the world cannot come up with a solution to the malfunctioning economy wtf! Our leaders are obviously unwilling to grant every child that’s born with a dignified life. The systems we’ve created as our society only care for money and THE most important thing is disregarded: life! So many of us seek a solution and we go green, we start conscious living. What we miss is that any solution that shows up leaves the powers that be in place, and these only care for money and more power, they don’t give a shit about our lives or any life when it isn’t profitable for them. And so we will end up with no natural life left on Earth, only corporate life will remain, all life will be owned by corporations and serve their purposes. Investigate and you’ll find that many life forms are already patented and claimed. The laws we have don’t protect life, they protect corporate interests. If we don’t play along we end up without money, we are not supported. Going green and living consciously is a way to feel good about oneself without having to change anything fundamentally. Everything we need, books, CD’s, DVD’s, courses, seminars, products of all sorts, it’s all here to change our way of living, leaving the overall systems like economy, education, health care, etc. as they are. So there is no change in the bigger picture and there is no change in the direction of humanity towards the destruction of natural life on Earth. More species go extinct than ever before, the oceans get polluted like never before, life in the oceans has diminished for over 70% already! And all the while we go green and it doesn’t make a difference to this ongoing destruction, and we are being conscious of what we do and what we don’t do we believe that’s the best we can do. We need to make sure we get educated on how these things operate. And we need to stop all believes and opinions we have to gain awareness of what is here. How do I not see what needs to be done, how come I don’t stand up for life making sure that life will be the core value on Earth as it really is: without life we have no existence. How do I operate, how did I allow myself to be put together through upbringing and education, movies and advertisements, friends and family, religion and Capitalism, which makes that we as humans only care for ourselves and have no clue how to do what’s best for all. Get your support and assistance @ Desteni.org and investigate solutions @ equalmoney.org to make sure your life isn’t lived in vein.

fear of having a job related to sinusitis

In the early morning I woke up and I felt a fluffy feeling, like drifting in warm water with no direction. I saw a letter S shape, slightly bigger than myself. I recognized the feeling, I experience it a few times a day, when I let myself drift away from what I’m focused on. When I have been typing on the computer for instance in a tense manner and I haven’t been breathing properly. Therefor I realized that this isn’t myself as breath, it’s myself as part of a polarity system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as the polarity: feeling tense verse fluffy. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was existing as a polarity system I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to exist in and as breath When and as I see myself participating in this polarity I stop, I breathe, I realize I create the change that we want to see in the world breath by breath Next thing that came up in the early morning was fear. I had felt it many times before: fear of being responsible for my income through my own labor. I have lived of a social grant for many years. There is a connection to my sinusitis problems of which I suffer daily: I often felt that it’s my excuse for not having to work to earn a living. I had been examined by a person for my social grant and he decided that I could do work where there is no stress, no need to work for some one’s profit. We have here a special work force of people like me, who do for instance maintaining the bushes and mowing the lawns or light industrial labor. It can take up to three/four years, he told me, before I get a work place there. But still, the future of me working to earn a living triggered fear. Also I had had a conversation on these topics with my homoeopath some days ago. During my nightly fear I felt in my mind that I wanted to blame him for my nasty experience of fear. lol. I didn’t go there, I valued our conversation even more. So it was apparently time to face this fear. The fear itself was awful as are fears. There were some other fears attached to it, at some point during the say 15 minutes it took to face it, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to handle the fear, when I realized this I said: o well it’s just fear. lol. At some point I felt that I very much judged myself for not working and that I wouldn’t be able to let go of this self judgment. That this was the only solution left for a person not working like myself. So I changed that one. When I visited the farm in South Africa, I would have trouble breathing through my nose in the evening/night and Bernard had said; it’s a survival thingy. Well here it was. I had to make a decision: will I hold on to this fear that has served for so many years or will I trust myself? I remembered when I was like 19 years of age that I would work for a few weeks through an agency that searched a temporary job for me and then I would stop, live some time till the money was gone and then I would go to the agency again and pick up another job for a few weeks. That worked out well. I trusted myself back then. So I asked myself: will I trust myself for my living no matter what? And I stepped forward and I manifested myself within this.

2012 How I was able to hear the Desteni message

I had been looking for ways to change reality, and I had felt the need to change who/what I had become from age 19. Because I found society and myself rather disturbing. And as the years passed by, things got from bad to worse. In relationships I wasn’t able to become a stable trustworthy partner, and in society I saw that fear and aggression amongst the people increased. I had investigated and tried all kind of different methods and means. I had used substances to try and alter myself, I became a Christian for some time, I applied meditation and I had been working in a organic garden, and more. To my surprise: where ever I was/worked with people, I saw the same troubles. Like anger, misunderstandings, jealousy, gossip, irritations, people falling in love etc. in myself and even amongst the ‘most spiritual’ of people. When I was like 50 years of age I was into Pleyadian light work and interested in St Germain and numbers appearing like 11:11. I had just learned to use a computer and on Youtube I was looking for videos on arch angels and saints, and UFOs and anything out of the ordinary. Because I just couldn’t believe that life as we know it is what life on Earth can be. So I was looking for the reason as to how it all had come to be, this world and humanity stuck with ever increasing problems of sorts. I read all kind of literature on ‘ancient wisdom’ to find out where we had taken the wrong road, or where we had been mislead and how. I applied then methods to ’heal’ myself and humanity/Earth. Like for instance in religion which I practiced for several years, through attending the sermon, prayer and such, and meditation, visualisation etc. I discovered that the economy as we have it wasn’t a normal natural way of trading, but a specific design not in the best interest of all. I believed that the solution had to come from a higher power and a higher level because nothing of what is here can be trusted, nothing is what it seems, so I tried to move the supposedly higher beings to help us, and I tried to become ‘higher’ myself to be able to ‘magically’ heal the world/humanity/myself. So some 5 years ago I was watching vids, nicely colored New Age/Spirituallity type of vids one day and amongst them appeared Sunette’s face, just a face, talking, maybe it was Jack in the portal, and immediately I realized: this is genuine information. The integrity of the speaker was striking. And I listened more vids like 5 per day. I Found the series History of Man and boy was I glad to get more insight into how we had become what we are today. I found that Desteni presented the principle that belong to this reality: Life in Equality and Oneness. It became clear how we had accepted and allowed ourselves to be misdirected as humanity and that we merely exist as living systems. That we have abdicated responsibility for our reality as a whole and only care for ourselves/our group. That we have come to the point where we have destroyed so much that only if we drastically change our ways, life will be able to continue on the planet. This all connected to my perspective and clarified it further more. I found the tools Desteni suggests: writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements. And as I had learned self forgiveness in a slightly different form through ‘The Healing Journey’ by Brandon Bays, I could easily adapt to the Desteni self forgiveness. And later on I found that Desteni also planned to create change in society in a way that can be trusted so here I had the answer to how to change myself and how to change the world. Also I found other people applying these tools and I was very pleased to see that we were able to, thanks to our application of the tools, communicate directly and to eliminate all the ‘normal’ fuzz.

Fear of choking and self gratefulness

I woke up in the night and something was the matter in myself: fearrrr. I had a problem in my throat and I felt: fear of not being able to breathe. Nasty fear. So I decided to face this one. It felt horrible, I got to the point where I found stability, self stability. So cool Next I felt anger, really strong, I felt I tended to be angry towards my mother, but I had finished my mind construct on my experience of her, so I was able to avoid this, and I let the anger in myself come forth till it was completely here. And It was: anger I had suppressed as the power to speak up, something I hadn't done as a child, And fear of speaking up. I had apparently agreed to a design where I always do as I am told by my mum, always agree to her plans whatever she plans for me or any plan of her basically. A strong pain in the lower part of my legs and in my feet I felt when I gave myself permission to become the anger as the power to speak up! I forgave myself for having accepted and allowed myself to agree to live this aspect of my life design. When I did this I found myself in complete darkness and here was fear of being lost in the darkness, to lose myself, to no longer exist, that I end. I was aware that this is all of the mind, so I didn't follow these emotions/thoughts and instead I found a certainty that life was to be found in the darkness. I didn't find it but my fear was gone, I had gone beyond my fear. Then I found within the anger point, that part of my motivation to do my process was: punishment! I did my process because I had been evil/bad/wrong and walking my process was punishing myself. I found that my body suffered from this, it felt like I had placed iron bars tight around or even in my body. Painful. So I decided to let go of this and what emerged? Gratefulness , self gratefulness! Grateful that I birth myself